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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Scientists has named a new species of tiny crustacean that lives by attaching itself to fish that inhabit coral reefs after reggae singer Bob Marley. Ya know, Charlie Rangel would’ve been a good choice, too.
Not only has the city of San Bernadino gone bankrupt, now their city government is the target of a criminal investigation. On the bright side, they have a shot at being picked up as a “Law & Order” spinoff.
President Obama is now using the official presidential seal at campaign events instead of just his slogan “Forward.” What’s next? Giving his speeches standing on top of Air Force One?
Microsoft has decided to pull out of its partnership with NBC and will no longer be the “MS” in MSNBC.com Here’s my headline for it: “Titan Leaves Titanic.”
During a recent speech, Vice President Joe Biden said “I believe this election will come down to character, conviction and vision.” I agree. Biden is a “character,” Holder just got “convicted” by the House, and none of them have the “vision” to see what’s about to happen to them in November.
Oh boy. Now Anthony Weiner’s mulling over a run for mayor of New York City. How about starting with a less ambitious project, first? Maybe a Fruit of the Loom commercial.
During a campaign stop in Virginia, President Obama said, “Americans can’t be looking for handouts.” Yup, don’t have to go out looking when Obama will deliver right to your door.
The Energy Department’s “green loans” director said of his program “I think it’s been an enormous success.” Apparently his benchmark is that he still has a job.
The Democratic National Convention Committee announced that its upcoming Charlotte convention program will be shortened from four days to three days. By the time September rolls around, it’ll be down to just a mass e-mail saying “Yup… Obama.”
The latest edition of Ask Fred is up. Here’s my take on Rubio: “He’s legal. He’s been quietly vetted by everybody but his colonoscopy doctor. Him too probably.”
The Obama administration issued a policy directive that allows the Department of Health and Human Services to waive the work requirement for welfare recipients. Not surprising from a guy who waved the “legal” requirement for immigrants.
While angrily attacking Romney’s Bain days, Obama said, “being president, one of the things you learn is, you are ultimately responsible for the conduct of your operations” Take it easy, Mr. President. Not so fast. Not so furious.
Campaigning in Ohio, President Obama answered “Thin Mints” after being asked what his favorite kind of Girl Scout cookie was. Huh. I would’ve guessed “whatever kind someone else pays for.”
During a speech in Ohio, President Obama said, “sometimes I do boneheaded things.” Yup, and sometimes you sign them into law.
In New Zealand, dozens of traffic signs have been destroyed by prostitutes performing pole-dances on them. Guess New Zealand doesn’t have a Secret Service to handle things like that.
In Ohio, Obama blamed Bush’s policies again, saying, “I find, when I try something that doesn’t work, then I don’t try it again.” Funny, I hear that a lot from people who voted for Obama in 2008, too.
Fundraising in San Antonio, Texas, President Obama said, “You know, you’re not considered one of the battleground states, although that’s going to be changing soon.” If he’d check the southern border, he’d see it already has.
Because of drought in the Midwest, corn prices are now reaching record highs. I’m sure Obama will address the problem with a common sense solution: more ethanol subsidies.
When asked why President Obama hasn’t met with his Jobs Council in 6 months, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney explained that Obama “has got a lot on his plate.” Like begging people to pay $38,500 to eat off it.
In a huge TSA blunder, 25 illegal immigrants attended a flight school that was itself owned by an illegal immigrant. The TSA… it’s like a hen guarding a foxhouse.
After 14 months and $20 million in government money, the Amonix solar plant in North Las Vegas closed down. Amazing. Obama found a way to lose money investing in a solar company located in a desert.
A new poll shows that 37% of voters say they’re better off now than they were 4 years ago. The other 63% said that no, they don’t work for the government.
— Fred Thompson
The U.S. Navy launched Sea Lion undersea drones in the Persian Gulf Friday. They can locate Iran’s mines by sonar and destroy them. President Obama was hoping to avoid using undersea drones until he killed Osama bin Laden again the week before the election.
President Obama was ripped by black leaders for skipping the NAACP convention on Thursday. So he spoke to them by satellite. He would have sent a hologram of himself but his agent had already booked it to open at the Hollywood Bowl for Elvis Presley’s hologram.
Joe Biden gave a speech to the NAACP convention Thursday. He planned to thank them for agreeing to college football playoffs, and then he was reminded he wasn’t addressing the NCAA. So he threw away his speech and paid tribute to Dale Earnhardt.
Mexico’s defeated presidential candidate claimed his opponent bought millions of Mexican votes to win the election. A recount is underway. It didn’t look good a week ago when the winner was simultaneously elected Mexico’s president and mayor of Chicago.
Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. reportedly flew to Tucson Thursday to check himself into rehab in Arizona. It wasn’t easy. When Arizona authorities asked him to prove his citizenship when he got off the plane, the only papers he could produce had gummed edges.
President Obama said Thursday his first-term mistake was he didn’t tell a story to Americans. He told us he was born in Hawaii, he has a ten handicap and he believes in free enterprise. Laura Bush hasn’t told this many stories and she reads to kids every week.
Ralph Lauren’s U.S. Olympic uniforms were criticized by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi because the blazers, white slacks, sweaters and berets were made in China. They’re right. If you want clothes made in a communist country they should be made in California.
President Obama signed an order Thursday letting people receive welfare payments without having to go out and look for work. This could triple daytime TV ratings. He’s asked Republicans not to look at it as a welfare plan but as a bailout for Procter and Gamble.
Mitt Romney sought an apology from President Obama’s Chicago office for calling him a felon when he left Bain to run the Olympics. It’s understandable. Mitt Romney ended all the graft and corruption endemic in the Olympic bidding process and Chicago is still angry about it.
Mitt Romney demanded that President Obama apologize for claiming he outsourced jobs while at Bain Capital. Just asking isn’t going to be enough. To get an apology from Barack Obama, Mitt Romney will have to dress up on Halloween as a victim of imperialism.
Anthony Weiner said Monday he is planning a run for New York Mayor. He resigned Congress after he got busted texting nude photos of himself to women. He’s applied to be a greeter at WalMart but they don’t want to hire someone who’s that happy to see you.
President Obama spoke to two thousand people outdoors in Virginia on Saturday. At least twenty people fainted during his speech. They really need to hand out the food stamps at the start of the president’s speeches and not make everybody wait until the end.
Hillary Clinton was greeted Sunday at the U.S. consulate in Egypt by a mob chanting Monica Lewinsky’s name. They kept chanting Monica over and over. The protest organizers told the mob to keep it to just one of Bill Clinton’s adulterous affairs or they’d be there all day.
New York’s disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner is reported planning to run for New York City mayor. He quit Congress last year after he texted naked photos of himself to women. Anthony Weiner decided to run for mayor using his porn name, Anthony Weiner.
Jerry Springer hosted a lunch for President Obama in Cincinnati Monday when the president campaigned in Ohio. Getting Springer’s endorsement was a huge coup for Barack Obama. He has now locked up the votes of people who practice incest in trailer parks.
Ralph Lauren calmed Congress over his U.S. Olympic outfits getting made in China. He vowed that in the next Games they’ll be made in the U.S. We feel a lot better if fourteen-year-old Guatemalan girls sew them in America than we do if twelve-year-old girls sew them in China.
George W. Bush gave an interview to the Hoover Institute Wednesday. He said he felt liberated. He said he no longer wants the responsibility of being president, he just wants to say that Syria has weapons of mass destruction and then sit back and watch the fireworks.
President Obama was ripped Monday for saying that businesses owe their success to government-built roads. It’s true. Just yesterday a businessman was about to go under when the road told him he could save a million dollars per year by manufacturing in Korea.
President Obama told a crowd in Virginia Friday that if you’ve been successful it’s because somebody else gave you some help. This is personal with him. He would still be dogged each day by questions about his birth certificate were it not for the good people at Kinko’s.
— Argus Hamilton
California is so broke that San Francisco has a cover charge and two-drink minimum to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
California is so broke that Mexico fixed the hole in the fence to keep us from crawling back in again.
California is so broke that I saw a going-out-of-business sign at a meth lab.
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.
The big news in Washington now is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He’s completely disappeared. People think he’s either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.
Looks like designer Ralph Lauren is trying to calm the controversy over the fact that those Olympic uniforms they produced were made in China. Well, he now says the uniforms they make for the 2014 winter Olympics will be made right here in the USA using our own good old fashioned illegal immigrants.
Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they’re just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it’s an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.
Romney’s surrogate, John Sununu, he’s in hot water for saying that, “I wish president Obama would learn how to be an American.” Well, that’s kind of insulting, isn’t it? Don’t you think? President Obama spends money he doesn’t have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to eat fatty foods. What is more American than that?
Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. But the good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery.
Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good. But it does show that if you’re unsuccessful in this country, you didn’t do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, President Obama.
In an interview with CBS, President Obama said the biggest mistake of his first term was not telling a story to give Americans a sense of unity.
A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under President Obama. While the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.
During last night’s USA-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That’s cute. It explains why everyone was like, “quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!”
Yesterday in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer announced that he is endorsing Obama. Don’t get too excited. Obama still has to win over Judge Judy and Maury.
— Jimmy Fallon
After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Barack Obama is pleased to announce today he created a job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland, on his new job, making charts illustrating President Obama’s downward spiraling approval ratings.
Yesterday in Cincinnati, President Barack Obama had a meeting with Jerry Springer. He is trying to win the vote of husbands who cheat on their wives with men. That’s a big demographic.
– Craig Ferguson
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I am entering” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do? “First Place,” said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
“Contest for the strongest man in the world.” “I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?” “First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio says “this is mine.” Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. “What happened?” they asked.
“Who the hell is Obama?!” he asked.
Mitt Romney worked at Bain Capital.
Barack Obama worked to Ban Capital.