Today’s Toons 7/16/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

From the latest Ask Fred: How do we handle Harry Reid? We simply need to elect more of our inmates to populate that asylum.

They’re broker than broke, yet California’s legislature green-lighted $68 billion for a high-speed rail line. Presumably, so folks can get to the jobs they don’t have much faster.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood complained that House Republicans “don’t have any vision about what the government can do.” And Ray doesn’t have any vision as to who pays for it.

New York City police are looking for a man wearing a postal uniform who robbed two banks in Queens. Guess the Post Office finally decided how to fix that budget problem.

In Georgia, people are being victimized by a scam promising that President Obama will pay your utility bills with a new federal grant. Sorry, that’s only for people who’ve bankrupted a solar power company.

Conservative radio host Mark Levin said that an Obama reelection would be “national suicide.” Actually, Mark, under Obamacare, it’d be “national physician-assisted end-of-life counseling.”

A new study shows that more than 30,000 Maryland residents have fled the state to escape the Democrat Governor’s “millionaire tax.” Call it personal off-shoring. If you wanna get rid of something – jobs or people – tax it more.

At a campaign event in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, President Obama said, “we love folks getting rich.” Not too fond of letting them stay that way, though.

The House voted 244-185 to repeal Obamacare – including 5 Democrats – but Harry Reid won’t hold a vote in the Senate. Huh. Must’ve attached a budget to it.

House Republicans unveiled legislation that would ban DOE officials from giving out any more green energy loan guarantees. That’s outrageous! What are they trying to do? Bankrupt the bankruptcy lawyers?

A new report shows that, this year, Americans have to work nearly 7 months to pay for the burden of government. That’s fine. Still gives ’em 5 months to save up for luxuries like food, clothing, and shelter.

— Fred Thompson

The Weather Channel reported two hundred heat records fell in the Midwest Friday where Illinois and Missouri baked in triple-digit temperatures. The heat was made more miserable by the high humidity. Everyone was sweating like John Edwards in church.

President Obama was in Pennsylvania Friday where he ate cheeseburgers, French fries, ice cream and pie. This is why comedians love Democrats. Bill Clinton saw interns, John Edwards saw a videographer and Obama cheats on his wife’s Healthy Foods Initiative.

Jerry Brown was handed a bill passed by the assembly making California a sanctuary state for illegal aliens Friday. There are other sensitive cultural decisions weighing on him. Minorities are pressing hard to have English recognized as California’s third language.

President Obama embarked on a bus tour of Ohio and Pennsylvania Thursday to try to package himself as a working class president. His campaign decided to label the bus tour Betting on America. It’s part of the president’s plan to get the country gambling again.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel urged Chicago street gangs to stop the recent flood of shootings Monday. They’re headed for a new record. There are so many murders in Chicago that it’s become the one city where Social Security is projected to run a surplus.

President Obama proposed extending the Bush tax cuts for incomes up to a quarter million a year. It’s just above the level of a two-income federal employee couple. The federal government’s so bloated that if it were a dirigible over New Jersey you’d run for your knife.

President Obama skipped speaking to the NAACP convention in Houston on Tuesday to campaign in Iowa. Black voter enthusiasm is down. Obama is so worried that black voters will stay home on Election Day that he may pressure banks to resume foreclosures.

Ralph Lauren rolled out the U.S. Olympic team uniforms for the opening ceremony in London. The team will wear blue blazers over a polo sweater rimmed with red, white and blue stripes, and cream pleated slacks, and Cole-Haan white bucks. Everyone’s really proud. It’s the first chance a lot of these kids have had to wear the uniform of the Republican Party.

The Weather Channel reported hot winds swept across Southern California Tuesday from the desert. Dry heat is the worst. It was so hot in San Diego the Department of Justice decided to smuggle toy machine guns that squirt water to the Mexican drug cartels.

Mitt Romney was accused of stashing his two-hundred fifty million dollar fortune in overseas banks before the recession hit. It could hurt him. Just the fact that he runs a surplus and has money in the bank proves that Mitt lacks the experience to run the county.

The health care reform law was ruled constitutional by the Supreme Court but only as a tax. Now four thousand new IRS agents must be hired to collect the new tax. There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.

— Argus Hamilton

The record-breaking heat wave hitting the rest of the country is now hitting Los Angeles. I was sweating like President Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers.

It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols.

It was so hot, immigrants were crossing the border on Slip ‘n’ Slides.

The White House is now urging Americans not to “read too much” into last week’s jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn’t read it at all.

At a Democratic fundraiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney’s economic policies were “George Bush on steroids” – as opposed to Obama’s policies, which are “Jimmy Carter on Ambien.”

There’s talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves “American Idol” they’re going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable.

— Leno

The American League was defeated 8-0. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America’s own league is on a losing streak.

Mitt Romney will fix the American League and make it competitive again.

— Letterman


Dear Employees,

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change…

I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

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