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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A neighborhood in Denver has banned children from making chalk drawings on the sidewalk. Smart move. Everyone one knows chalk drawings are just a dangerous gateway to lemonade stands.
Speaker Boehner sent out a memo to his fellow House Republicans insisting there should be “no spiking of the ball” if Obamacare is overturned. Fine – we’ll just move right along to leaping into the stands.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney described the congressional hearings on Fast & Furious as “a political fishing expedition.” And from what we’ve heard so far… we’re gonna need a bigger boat.
In a recent interview, James Lovelock, the godfather of global warming, acknowledged he had been unduly “alarmist” about climate change. Look out your window. Anyone else just see a pig fly by?
Arizona’s Sheriff Joe Arpaio vowed to continue enforcing Arizona’s state immigration law, saying “I’m not stopping anything.” Say, isn’t that Obama’s immigration stance?
The US Department of Agriculture has been running radio ads for the past four months encouraging those eligible to sign up for food stamps. Like putting out salt licks for deer. And we know how that ends.
A new poll shows that only 29% of Americans approve of President Obama’s decision to invoke executive privilege to hide Fast & Furious documents. The other 71% are waiting for him to rename his dog “Checkers”.
At a speech in New Hampshire, President Obama said this election “is not just the usual run-of-the-mill political argument.” Mostly because, thanks to Obama’s policies, the mills aren’t running any more.
CBS’s Norah O’Donnell said that having the Supreme Court strike down Obamacare “might be better for the President.” Not to mention everyone else who’ll ever visit a doctor.
In a New York Times piece, former President Jimmy Carter criticized President Obama’s drone strikes as a “violation of international human rights.” Ya know, the only thing I ever thought they’d argue about is which of them was the worse president.
In Brooklyn, a heroic man leaped onto the subway tracks to rescue a fallen toddler. MSNBC immediately praised President Obama for making the gutsy call not to stop him.
Ahead of the contempt vote on Holder, White House adviser Valerie Jarrett said, “we have full confidence in Eric.” Basically the DC version of handing out fish wrapped in newspaper.
The Supreme Court ruled that the Obamacare individual mandate is constitutional, but only if it’s considered a “tax”, which Democrats swore for two years that it wasn’t. Well, Nancy, now you know what’s in it.
In his Obamacare ruling, Chief Justice Roberts said it wasn’t the Supreme Court’s role to “pass upon its wisdom or fairness.” Now what’s been called into question is the wisdom and fairness of the Supreme Court.
The government’s food stamp website suggests local offices should have “activities, games, food, and entertainment” to increase enrollment. Don’t need all that. Just having Obama as President has already doubled business.
Taxpayers are expected to lose $60 million as another Obama-backed solar company goes bankrupt. My prediction for Obama’s spin: “we saved $440 million over the last one!”
A new study shows that there’s a shortage of lifeguards to protect people around the US. Hardest hit: the Supreme Court building, apparently.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama used executive privilege Friday to stop the Attorney General from revealing confidential documents to Congress. Government rules are ironclad. You’re only allowed to leak classified secrets that make President Obama look tough on terrorism.
Charlie Sheen will play a U.S. president in a new film titled Machete Kills. It’s about border violence. They were going to model the president on Obama but when he refused to turn over Fast and Furious documents to the director he re-wrote the part for a white guy.
President Obama asked couples who are getting married to forego wedding gifts and register instead with his campaign. It’s an economical idea. Why buy a couple a four hundred dollar saucepan when for the same money you can buy them a mid-level cabinet position?
President Obama’s re-election campaign asked soon-to-be-married people on Friday to ask their guests to donate to Obama rather than give wedding gifts. Even Democrats were appalled. Bill Clinton didn’t want your wedding gifts, he just wanted your honeymoon.
The Supreme Court on Monday upheld an Arizona law requiring police to determine an immigrant’s legal status on traffic stops. Opponents call it cruel. The idea behind the law is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles.
Homeland Security announced it will refuse calls from Arizona police who check on detainees. It set off a furious debate. Half of al-Qaeda’s ruling council think it’s so stupid they should enter through Arizona while the other half think it’s so clever it must be a trap.
The Justice Department set up a toll free number for illegal aliens to call if they feel disrespected by Arizona cops Tuesday. How handy. When you call the number the voice mail asks you to press one for Spanish, press two for Spanish and press three for Spanish.
Jimmy Carter accused President Obama of human rights abuses with his drone strikes on terrorists in Pakistan. It’s obvious what’s happening here. Jimmy Carter sees Barack Obama coming and he is trying to cement his position as the worst president in U.S. history.
President Obama spoke at a fundraiser in Florida Tuesday where he mispronounced the world champion Miami Heat. He called them the Miami Heats. This is what happens whenever Indonesian school teachers whip you across the back if you get the plural wrong.
— Argus Hamilton
The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. To which attorney general Eric Holder said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Analysts, according to The Wall Street Journal, say the weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically the worse the economy is, the lower the price of oil. Do you know what that means? If Obama gets re-elected, gas could be free.
Rielle Hunter announced she and John Edwards have broken up. That’s scary. When a lying cheater and his home-wrecking mistress can’t work things out, what chance is there for the rest of us?
While talking about the economy, Joe Biden said it’s a depression for millions of Americans. He used the word “depression” to describe the economy. I don’t know if Mitt Romney has picked a running mate yet, but Joe Biden sounds like he’d be perfect.
If you’re an illegal immigrant in Arizona hoping to become a citizen so you can get free healthcare, this is the greatest week of your life.
According to a poll by National Geographic, 65 percent of Americans said President Obama would better handle an invasion by space aliens than Mitt Romney. Well sure, once the aliens landed they’d see there’s no jobs and they’d go home.
Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”
This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, “The student has become the master.”
A new study found that a record number of America’s wealthiest citizens are renouncing their citizenship to avoid high taxes. Which explains why today Donald Trump claimed HE was born in Kenya.
Yesterday in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, “But until we find that guy, I’m still your best choice.”
Tonight we have director Oliver Stone on the show. At least that’s what the government wants you to believe.
— Jimmy Fallon
Egypt has a new president — Mohammed Morsi. How many of you attended the Mohammed Morsi fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house?
Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.
President Obama would be affected too. Because if there’s no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?
It’s a great day for President Obama. His healthcare law was upheld by the Supreme Court. The president apparently had three speeches ready to go this morning. One if the law was overturned, one if the law was upheld, and one if Joe Biden chewed up the other two.
Some people watching CNN were so shocked by the healthcare ruling that they started rioting. No, I’m kidding. No one watches CNN.
– Craig Ferguson
The head gardener at the White House has been fired.
Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many U.S. Presidents.
In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the presidential residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.
“It all happened so fast. I’m still in a daze” said the bewildered Whitey. “All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, ‘Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?’ And the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!”
Chief Justice Roberts walks into a bank and once inside he comes across 0bama and a bunch of Democrats. He notices from the note 0bama is holding they intend to rob the bank. Roberts grabs the note from 0bama and informs them all that they can’t do what they are intending. Roberts says: “You can’t do that! You can’t demand that the bank surrender their money!” Roberts rewrites the note to say “This is a stick-up” and hands it back to 0bama saying that it’s now OK to go ahead with their plans.