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From the latest Ask Fred: “Harry Reid doesn’t want Democrats to have to vote on tough votes. The answer is a Republican senate.”
At a fundraiser in Maryland, President Obama said you could put Romney’s “campaign on a tweet and have some characters to spare.” As opposed to Obama’s campaign, where there’s no character left at all.
A group of top fashion designers are selling Obama-themed accessories for far less than their wares usually command. Apparently Obama’s done for haute couture what he’s done for Detroit real estate.
During a recent speech in DC, Mitt Romney said that Obama might speak “eloquently” while campaigning, but “words are cheap.” Out of Obama’s mouth, yes. Once he passes them into law, though, they get kinda pricey.
On Madonna’s latest tour, she’s traveling with a 200-person entourage including 30 bodyguards, personal chefs, a yoga instructor, an acupuncturist and even an on-site dry cleaner. Unbelievable. Who does she think she is, Michelle Obama?
During an interview on CBS, Nancy Pelosi said that President Obama was “a job creator from day one.” And then came day 2…
A new survey shows 83% of doctors are contemplating leaving the industry if Obamacare is fully implemented. Which shouldn’t cause any problems as long as 83% of Americans never get sick again.
Speaking at a fundraiser full of celebrities, President Obama told them, “you’re the ultimate arbiter of which direction this country goes.” So… we’re headed to rehab?
During his immigration speech, President Obama, said that illegal immigrants are American in every way except “on paper.” “Paper”… that’s what laws are printed on, isn’t it?
CNN’s Erin Burnett described President Obama’s announced refusal to enforce immigration laws as “an MVP-like political move.” Yup, nothing says MVP like standing aside while the other team walks across the goal line.
During a speech in Orlando, Vice President Joe Biden admitted his lack of blue collar roots, saying “no one in my family worked in a factory.” Ya know, Joe, with you guys in charge, there’s been a lot more of that going around.
Vice President Joe Biden downplayed Obama’s description of Biden’s working class roots, saying “Barack makes me sound like I just climbed out of a mine.” I thought it was that big hole you keep throwing our money into.
DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano said Obama’s call on immigration is “not amnesty, it’s an exercise of discretion.” The Executive Branch is in charge of enforcing laws. How about an exercise of his job description?
France’s Socialist President Francois Hollande said he plans to fix his nation’s budget shortfall by raising taxes on businesses. Yup, when your cow goes dry, it means you’re not milking her enough.
Remember back when Obama said “There are laws on the books that I have to enforce”? Apparently not anymore.
American scientists studying subatomic particle decay say that new experimental results may force them to reevaluate their entire theory of particle physics. Meanwhile in Europe, still no evidence that socialism works.
The US Navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana dumped overboard by fleeing Mexican smugglers off the coast of California. No word on whether President Obama will allow it to stay in the country legally.
A new study warns you shouldn’t drink water from garden hoses because it contains trace amounts of carcinogens. So, to be safe, pour it into a cup no larger than 16 ounces first.
The New York legislature passed a bill to prevent the release of teacher evaluation scores. Ah… sort of an educational executive privilege.
At least half a dozen Democratic officials have said in recent days that they won’t attend the Democratic National Convention this September. This keeps up, Obama’s gonna need to take the word “we” out of his acceptance speech.
UN officials wrote a formal letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton complaining about how some Occupy protesters were treated by police. Probably upset we didn’t put them in a gulag like a normal UN member nation.
Despite complaints from the business community, France’s new socialist government is still planning on passing huge business tax hikes. Leave it to the French to make “goose that laid the golden egg” foie gras.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama went over Congress’s head to change immigration law Friday. Only one thing explains this. Bill Clinton must have advised President Obama that only by getting impeached before the election can he rally Democrats to turn out and vote for him.
President Obama signed an order Friday permitting eight hundred thousand young illegal aliens to remain in the U.S. He argued that as a practical matter it’s impossible to move eight hundred thousand people to another country. That is not true, Mexico did it.
President Obama was blasted by Democrats for limiting his Wisconsin campaigning before Tuesday’s defeat to twittering his support. It wasn’t a memorable presidential moment. Ike vowed to go to Korea, JFK asked Americans what you can do for your country, Reagan urged Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall, and now Obama has tweeted LMFAO.
Commerce Secretary John Bryson smashed his car into a Buick Saturday as the Buick was waiting for a train to go by. He got out and apologized, then smashed into the Buick again. President Obama called a press briefing Monday and said the Buick is doing just fine.
President Obama caused a flap Friday when he told reporters that the private sector in the U.S. economy is doing just fine. Someone’s giving him some really bad advice. President Obama carried thirty states last election by sticking to sports and show business.
The White House was accused of leaking President Obama’s terrorist kill list, double agents in al-Qaeda, a cyber-war on Iran, and secrets of the raid on Osama bin Laden. It’s crazy. The White House hasn’t had this much leaking since Billy Carter patrolled the Rose Garden.
Democratic Party activists ripped a Mitt Romney ad that concedes President Obama is a cool guy. They said calling him cool is racist. When that news broke, Georgia’s Ku Klux Klan announced that Kool and the Gang will headline this year’s Fourth of July picnic.
The Federal Reserve said a U.S. family’s net worth fell forty percent since 2008. That’s seven trillion dollars in home equity. Mitt Romney plans to ask Americans during the presidential debates if they are in deeper over their heads than they were four years ago.
John McCain called Tuesday for an independent counsel to probe White House top-secret security leaks to the New York Times. They’re still going on. Yesterday President Obama ate at the best barbecue restaurant in Washington D.C. and the next day, the barbecue sauce recipe that’s been a secret for four generations was in the New York Times.
President Obama met in Mexico with Vladimir Putin Monday about Russia’s sending Syria attack choppers. The Cold War is back. After two hours of talks President Obama played his trump card and threatened to drop Joe Biden from the ticket and replace him with Dick Cheney.
Daily Caller reporter Neal Munro interrupted President Obama with a question last week. That just isn’t done. Last week a waiter at a D.C. barbecue restaurant was sent to re-education camp after he asked the president if he wanted fries or beans with his ribs.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress Tuesday that he’s optimistic about the U.S. business outlook. The chairman assured lawmakers that the U.S. economy will soon come roaring back. For added emphasis, he said you can take that to one of the remaining banks.
President Obama enjoyed his one hundredth round of golf since becoming president Sunday in Chicago. His handicap is an honest number. The scorecard shows President Obama shot the same score in Chicago as he does in Washington, fourteen trillion over par.
President Obama was reported Monday planning to legalize marijuana in October to mobilize young voters to vote for him. The administration is furious. Someone leaked the story before Warren Buffett could finish cornering the world market on frozen burritos.
President Obama had lunch with Vladimir Putin at Tuesday’s world leaders’ summit in Mexico. There were the usual leaks. They dined on fried chicken, and the next issue of the New York Times published the complete list of the Colonel’s eleven secret herbs and spices.
Senator John Kerry agreed Sunday to play Mitt Romney in presidential debate rehearsals. He’ll be no help at all. Mitt Romney is not going to answer every question in the debate by pointing out how many medals he won in Vietnam.
John Edwards was reported Tuesday to be considering returning to politics in North Carolina. Don’t bet against him. Any man who can talk a widow out of a million dollars and use it to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife while running for president, then convince his jury he did nothing wrong has, what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.
Rodney King’s drowning came under suspicion when a shovel was found in the pool next to him Sunday. That figures. It’s just President Obama’s luck that after four years trying to revive the U.S. economy the only shovel-ready project turns out to be Rodney King.
Operation Fast and Furious came under criticism in Congress Wednesday. We sold assault guns to Mexican drug cartels in a failed effort to track them, and then there was a cover-up that could lead to impeachment. Nothing’s backfired this badly since Martin Sheen gave Charlie a hundred dollar a night allowance to teach him responsibility.
President Obama was ripped by conservatives for his Friday decree that overturned the defeat of his Dream Act in Congress. The act allows illegal alien children to stay in the U.S. but placed a ten percent tax on tanning salons. Leave it to Democrats to subsidize brown people who want to be Americans and tax Americans who want to be brown people.
The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that TV networks can’t be fined for airing adult language and partial nudity. These things take forever to work their way through the courts. It’s taken this long to rule that news coverage of the Clinton impeachment was legal.
The Southern Baptist Convention last week elected Reverend Fred Luther their first black president in history. Whites fell in love with Luther’s ministry when black and white congregations had to worship together in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The White House didn’t waste any time Friday blaming the racial harmony on George W. Bush.
— Argus Hamilton
There’s a rumor going around that suggests President Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to win the election. And if he doesn’t win, at least he’ll have a way to mellow out later.
President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years. Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.
President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.
There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.
In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?
It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot, you know Solyndra, the solar company? They actually made money.
It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs
According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that’s called being a Democrat.
Yesterday, President Obama played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par. That’s right, 100 rounds of golf since being elected. It was weird when Obama asked his caddie for a recommendation and he was like, “Uhh, don’t play so much golf?”
Today President Obama used his executive privileges to withhold documents about the weapons operation called Fast and Furious. I don’t know what’s scarier — that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.
A new report found that President Obama’s campaign spent $6 million more than it raised last month. Which explains why his latest campaign ad ended with the phrase, “I’m Barack Obama and I’m selling some old CDs on Craigslist.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he’s too busy to comment because he’s watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.
They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father’s Day. Donald Trump — always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody’s parade — Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s scorecard.
It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said “I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.” There’s no word on how Obama responded.
– Craig Ferguson
WHO CARES WHERE OBAMA WAS BORN ???
THE REAL PROBLEM IS – WHERE HE LIVES…
2012 campaign slogan: It’s the O-conomy, stupid!