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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Attorney General Eric Holder said that internal Justice Department emails that use the phrase “Fast and Furious” did not refer to the gun-walking operation Fast and Furious. Actually, they were just referring to the White House walk-back operation in charge of surrogates.
Time Magazine’s Mark Halperin wrote that “Democrats believe Obama can lose.” In a related story, they’ve discovered that large objects, when dropped from high places, can fall.
The Wall Street Journal says the Obama administration “increasingly looks like a house of cards.” That would explain why they’re not playing with a full deck.
During a speech in Rhode Island, former DNC Chair Howard Dean said, “I don’t know what the Republicans want, but let them go someplace else.” Ok. How about the White House?
Amber Lee Ettinger, widely known as “Obama Girl” during the 2008 presidential campaign, has declined to endorse Obama for 2012. She must have grown out of that phase where women like losers.
The UN is proposing a new “internet tax” on popular web sites for the privilege of serving non-U.S. users. Much like masked highwaymen calling what they did a “road tax”.
The Labor Department plans to force news agencies to use government-issued computers to report on unemployment and other key economic data. Maybe now the media will understand why why we didn’t want Obamacare.
At a Massachusetts high school, the commencement speaker told the assembled students, “you’re not special.” Great. He just destroyed the only thing they learned in school.
The Department of Housing and Urban Development announced a $70 million program to help teach its grant recipients to better allocate their funds. Lovely. Even their spending programs have spending programs.
Attorney General Eric Holder defended the “consistent values” of his time in office to the Senate Judiciary Committee, saying “I stuck by my guns”. So… he was testifying remotely from Mexico?
During an interview on WJXT in Jacksonville, Florida, the reporter told President Obama he should give some “thought to being on ‘American Idol’.” Like he needs to go somewhere else to get voted out.
Due to the global economic downturn, the cash award that accompanies Nobel Prizes will be reduced by 20%. Ironically, the prize in Economics likely won’t go to a guy who understands the connection.
Researchers now say that climate change may have been responsible for the extinction of the woolly mammoth. Obviously brought on by a lack of compact fluorescent bulbs in Fred Flintstone’s house.
A new tourism video from the State Department contains the slogan “Visit America, it’s easier than you think.” I’m sure 12 million illegal immigrants agree whole-heartedly.
— Fred Thompson
The House of Representatives had a brief ceremony Thursday honoring Nancy Pelosi to mark her twenty-fifth anniversary in Congress. She was expressionless as they handed her the plaque. This is why is Botox is the choice of poker champions everywhere.
Bill Clinton apologized Thursday for calling for an extension of the Bush tax cuts and claimed he didn’t mean to undercut President Obama. It was like old times. Bill Clinton bit his lower lip, wagged his finger and denied having sexual relations with supply-side economics.
President Obama was blasted by Democrats for limiting his Wisconsin campaigning before Tuesday’s defeat to twittering his support. It wasn’t a memorable presidential moment. Ike vowed to go to Korea, JFK asked Americans what you can do for your country, Reagan urged Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall, and now Obama has tweeted LMFAO.
Commerce Secretary John Bryson smashed his car into a Buick Saturday as the Buick was waiting for a train to go by. He got out and apologized, then smashed into the Buick again. President Obama called a press briefing Monday and said the Buick is doing just fine.
President Obama caused a flap Friday when he told reporters that the private sector in the U.S. economy is doing just fine. Someone’s giving him some really bad advice. President Obama carried thirty states last election by sticking to sports and show business.
The White House was accused of leaking President Obama’s terrorist kill list, double agents in al-Qaeda, a cyber-war on Iran, and secrets of the raid on Osama bin Laden. It’s crazy. The White House hasn’t had this much leaking since Billy Carter patrolled the Rose Garden.
Democratic Party activists ripped a Mitt Romney ad that concedes President Obama is a cool guy. They said calling him cool is racist. When that news broke, Georgia’s Ku Klux Klan announced that Kool and the Gang will headline this year’s Fourth of July picnic.
The Federal Reserve said a U.S. family’s net worth fell forty percent since 2008. That’s seven trillion dollars in home equity. Mitt Romney plans to ask Americans during the presidential debates if they are in deeper over their heads than they were four years ago.
John McCain called Tuesday for an independent counsel to probe White House top-secret security leaks to the New York Times. They’re still going on. Yesterday President Obama ate at the best barbecue restaurant in Washington D.C. and the next day, the barbecue sauce recipe that’s been a secret for four generations was in the New York Times.
The Nobel Prize Committee announced the bad economy is forcing them to reduce the prize money. It was inevitable. The Nobel Peace Prize has been losing credibility ever since it was photographed on the Oval Office wall next to President Obama’s kill list.
HBO apologized for a beheading scene in Game of Thrones which used the likeness of a severed head of George W. Bush. It’s stuck on a pike. Nobody would have seen the image if President Obama hadn’t used it to replace the presidential seal on his campaign podium.
The Atlantic reports President Obama’s trying to put pot legalization on state ballots this fall. He smoked pot heavily as a teenager. When Mitt Romney was a teen he drove a four-hundred horsepower GTO, which is the most you could smoke and still be a Mormon.
— Argus Hamilton
In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, “Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.”
Guantanamo Bay detention center is now undergoing millions of dollars of upgrades that include a new soccer field, cable TV, and enriching-your-life classes for the detainees that include learning to paint and writing a resume. Why do they need a resume? Who’s going to hire these guys?
Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn’t he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn’t he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.
In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.
A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.
Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics.
Guantanamo Bay is now undergoing millions of dollars worth of renovations, including a new soccer field, cable TV, and better housing. Which is kind of ironic. The only people who say they’re better off today than they were four years ago are the inmates at Guantanamo Bay.
The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.
Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.
This weekend President Obama’s daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.
President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2.
Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.
— Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.
Ron Paul’s son is a senator from Kentucky, and he’s now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay.
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. ‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces. ‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.’
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’ the doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $200 for a Republican’s brain.’ The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to ‘try’ not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to ontrol his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the Democrat’s brain so much more than a Republican’s brain?’
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republican brains a lot lower because they’re used.’
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up: fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman… and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it is just too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”