Today’s Toons 6/11/12

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

John Edwards says he takes full responsibility for his sins. Hardly a magnanimous act when the whole world has caught you with both hands in the cookie jar up to your elbow and lying your butt off about it.

Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 60th year on Britain’s throne on Sunday. Oddly, no one gave her an iPod full of Obama’s speeches to mark the occasion.

According to the latest Nielsen ratings, CNN has lost 50% of its viewership in the last 12 months. In their defense, competition’s tough. The Drying Paint Channel HAS added over a dozen colors since then.

On the White House blog, Alan Krueger wrote that problems in the labor market won’t be solved “overnight.” That’s true. Problem is, it’s been over 1200 nights now.

Asked about Bloomberg’s soda-ban proposal during an Associated Press interview, Mrs. Obama said there’s no “one-size-fits-all” solution for the country’s health challenges. Her husband, of course, would beg to differ.

Musing on Obama’s campaign strategy, Britt Hume said that the President “has no real choice but to go negative.” Well, at least he’s well-practiced from his work on the economy.

New York City wants to change marijuana laws so you can’t be arrested for small amounts of pot. On the other hand, it’ll still be a crime to satisfy your munchies afterward.

Despite the blowout, some Democrats in Wisconsin are crying voter fraud. Apparently some Republicans had been going around locking cemetery gates.

The Obama campaign said it’s “just beginning” to roll out attacks against Mitt Romney over his career as an executive at Bain Capital. Well, Republicans would do the same. If Obama HAD a career as an executive.

Did you see Obama’s press conference today? You know things are going bad when he’s diverting people’s attention ON TO the economy.

In Philadelphia, First Lady Michelle Obama implored the crowd at a fundraiser to help give her husband a “chance to finish what we started.” Trust me, we’d LOVE to help Barack finish being President.

Despite his country’s financial woes, France’s new socialist President Francois Hollande just lowered the retirement age to 60. Yup. Nothing energizes an economy like more people not working in it.

On July 1st, California will ban foie gras, because it’s made from the liver of a specially fattened duck or goose. Seems a bit extreme. Why not just limit it to 16oz cups?

The Washington Post described Scott Walker’s 53-46 recall election victory as a “close vote”. Absolutely. Barrett only lost by one touchdown.

During an interview in Rolling Stone magazine, Charlie Sheen admits that he wasn’t “winning”, but was “in total denial.” Hey Mr. President… got a new campaign adviser for ya.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics now says that a “green job” is anything where an employee “uses fewer natural resources.” Guess that makes the greenest job of all… not having one.

— Fred Thompson

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg asked the New York health department to ban the sale of sugary drinks over sixteen ounces. He’s serious. If the measure is passed the fine for selling an over-sized soft drink in New York City would be fifty dollars, the same as murder.

President Obama met with President Bush in the Oval Office Thursday. They really get along. Barack Obama uses the same desk George W. Bush used only on Bush’s desk there was a bust of Winston Churchill and on Obama’s desk there is a bust of Winston Cigarettes.

Cherokee groups demanded that Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren drop her claim of Cherokee blood. It’s awkward. She billed herself as Harvard’s first woman professor of color and if she was any whiter she would be a sheet color in the Ku Klux Klan catalogue.

President Obama wants drone aircraft like the ones that kill terrorists to patrol in the U.S. What a great idea. If the drones protect us from terrorists as well as the TSA does, in just six months they’ll be firing missiles at knee replacements and diabetes medications.

The Hollywood Reporter said Friday that CNN hit its lowest viewer ratings in twenty years. It’s embarrassing. Wolf Blitzer’s been ordered by CNN executives to start renting out the Situation Room for bar mitzvahs and bachelor parties whenever he’s not on the air.

Bill Clinton praised both Donald Trump and Mitt Romney in a CNN interview Friday. He has to please both parties. When he speaks to businesses they pay him a hundred-thousand-dollar fee but when he speaks for Obama they shred fifteen pages of his FBI files.

President Obama leaked that he ordered cyber-attacks on Iran Friday a day after he leaked his terrorist kill list. Before that he leaked we had a double agent in al-Qaeda. We thought when we elected a president under sixty we wouldn’t have these urology problems.

President Obama said Friday he needs a second term in order to re-write his health care reform law if the Supreme Court strikes it down. It’s only right. In America we’re taught that everyone deserves a second chance whose first chance was ruled unconstitutional.

The EPA angered Nebraskans and Iowans by deploying drone aircraft to spy on their cattle ranches. They’ll say it’s for national security. Any day now watch for the White House to announce that a drone strike killed the number-two leader of the herd, Moo-Mar.

The U.S. Capitol press gallery was drenched by an exploding pipe from a men’s room urinal Monday. It may be connected to last week’s story about Obama’s secret kill list. Once the president starts leaking to the New York Times everybody figures they can do it.

USA Today called on Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren to apologize for claiming to be Native American. Her credibility is shot. Now she says she rooted for the Cleveland Indians when she was a girl but everyone her age in Oklahoma were raised Cardinals fans.

Bill Clinton introduced President Obama at a Broadway fundraiser Monday. He first reminded the audience he balanced the budget for four years with a surplus and then he introduced Obama. President Obama got a kiss from Michelle and that evened the score.

The Air Force is set to land a super-secret space plane that’s been circling the Earth for a year. Its existence was the fourth leak, after the cyber-war on Iran, the president’s kill list and our double agent’s identity in al-Qaeda. It’s increasingly apparent to the CIA that the best way to mislead U.S. enemies is to give the president completely wrong information.

Michelle Obama applauded New York’s proposed ban on large sugary drinks. It’s got the city in turmoil. Last night the police let a guy go for having less than twenty-five grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than sixteen ounces of Pepsi.

New York governor Andrew Cuomo proposed legalizing pot on Tuesday. Supporters call for taxing pot like alcohol to raise much-needed tax revenues. Ten years from now anybody who stays sober will be accused by Democrats of not paying their fair share.

President Obama infuriated Democrats and union leaders by refusing to campaign in Wisconsin Tuesday. His tweet didn’t help. Obama said that while the Spurs must be respected for their character and skill it’s hard not to love the Thunder’s youth and talent.

John McCain called for a probe of who in the White House leaked President Obama’s terrorist kill list, the cyber-attack on Iran and use of a Western double agent inside al-Qaeda to thwart the latest airline bombing attempt. These leaks endanger our sources, our agents and our national security. From now on, no birth certificate, no security clearance.

President Obama attended a gay and lesbian fundraiser in Beverly Hills Wednesday hosted by Ellen DeGeneres. This crowd was solidly in his corner. President Obama was cheered when he vowed to continue using drone aircraft to glitter-bomb Mitt Romney.

— Argus Hamilton

According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president.

Unemployment’s still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on jobs creation — “Hope and Change the Subject.”

The unemployment numbers are higher than President Obama was in high school.

Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years — or about the same time your 401(k) comes back.

The No. 2 guy in al-Qaida has been killed. Who says Obama isn’t creating job openings?

Former Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak has been sentenced to life in prison. You know, it’s too bad we couldn’t get the John Edwards trial moved to Egypt.

There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night. They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech. He was just droning on.

There were some tense moments yesterday during President Obama’s visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president’s restricted air space can be penetrated only by people donating more than $35,000.

— Leno

On Friday, President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It was nice — he even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises.

That’s right, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago. Of course it got awkward when he left and his housekeeper was like, “So, see you after the election?”

President Obama’s campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.

— Jimmy Fallon

Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed giant cans of soda. When you outlaw stuff it creates crime. I saw a guy today walking down the street and a cop is arresting him because he’s got a huge can of soda, and he said “No, no, this is medicinal Mountain Dew.”

Now Mayor Bloomberg wants to make something else illegal. He wants to remove the third layer from a club sandwich.

— Letterman



4:00 PM Opening Flag Burning Ceremony

4:05 PM Singing of “God Damn America” led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright

4:10 PM Pledge of Allegiance to Obama

4:15 PM Ceremonial ‘I Hate America’ led by Michelle Obama

4:30 PM Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire, Hillary Clinton

5:00 PM UFO Abduction Survival, Joe Biden

5:30 PM Eliot Spitzer Speaks on “Family Values” via Satellite

5:45 PM Tribute to All 57 States

6:00 PM Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer

8:30 PM Airing of Grievances by the Clintons

9:00 PM Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl

9:15 PM Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo, Michael Moore

9:45 PM Personal Finance Seminar – Charlie Rangel

10:00 PM Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners, Rosie O’Donnell

10:30 PM Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for Iraq & Afghanistan

11:00 PM Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration

11:15 PM Free Gov. Blagojevich rally

11:30 PM Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy awards

11:45 PM Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, Obama Presiding

12:00 AM Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher

12:01 AM Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior

12:05 AM Celestial Choirs Sing

3:00 AM Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech

Note: There are two omissions in the list above: Memorial recognitionof Obama’s surrogate son, Trayvon, will be in conjunction with the 12:05 AM event. Obama declares sole responsibility for the demise of Osama Bin Ladento be declared in conjunction with the 12:01 AM event.

Closing with a “Declaration of War” on the rich (to be decided just before the convention).

Mitt Romney will be declared “Public Enemy Number One”


George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and ended up in hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, “since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”

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