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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A former top CIA covert officer says there are now more foreign spies on US soil than at the peak of the Cold War. Well, nice to know it’s still possible to find a job in America.
It’s being reported that 78% of California 8th graders failed a national science test. Guess we know where the next generation of global warming scientists will come from.
At a campaign event in Seattle, President Obama said, regarding the magnitude of America’s economic problems, “sometimes I forget.” Must. Be. Nice.
Vice President Joe Biden said that the wealthy should want to pay more taxes because they’re “just as patriotic as poor folks.” Joe, last time “patriotism” and “taxes” came together, Boston Harbor ended up smelling like Darjeeling.
For coming out in favor of gay marriage, Newsweek declared Obama “the first gay President.” If that’s all it takes, then congratulations to the first gay Vice President, Dick Cheney.
In the small town of Freeport, Pennsylvania, the police were called to collect overdue library books from a 4-year-old girl. Well, at least she wasn’t doing anything REALLY dangerous, like running a lemonade stand.
In a new book, President Obama’s former doctor denounced Obamacare. His advice? Take two Republicans, and vote for them election morning.
Government at its finest: The GAO did a study on a Pentagon study on how much it costs to do studies. Clearly we need to do a study on this GAO study.
NBC reports that $1.5 million in stimulus money went to UC San Francisco to study erectile dysfunction. Interestingly, no member of Congress objected.
During his commencement address at Barnard College, President Obama described the media as “a steady stream of sensationalism and scandal.” He exaggerates. Not ALL stories are about his administration.
President Obama’s annual financial disclosure statement shows that his net worth is at least 2.6 million dollars. Coincidentally, about the same as the number of people who’ve given up looking for work.
A new study by researchers at UCLA shows that eating too much sugar can disrupt learning and cause memory loss. Expect to see bowls of free candy at Obama fundraisers.
At a press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that President Obama doesn’t think the budget should be “held hostage to a political ideology.” Or basic accounting principles, either.
Obama campaign deputy manager Stephanie Cutter described an unfavorable New York Times poll as “significantly biased.” Thanks, Steph. We’ll remember that when they go back to beating up on Romney again.
Obama’s budget went down in flames in the Senate 99-0. I just wanted to congratulate the President on uniting us all in a spirit of bipartisanship.
How embarrassing: during a speech in Ohio, a fly landed on Vice President Joe Biden’s head and he kept right on talking. Even more embarrassing: it nodded off and fell to the floor.
During a speech in Ohio, Vice President Joe Biden said Republicans “don’t get who we are.” No, it’s just that we don’t get why we have to keep buying stuff for you.
— Fred Thompson
Texas inmate Keith Judd upset President Obama in eight counties in West Virginia’s primary. The voters preferred a jailbird. The next day, Bill Clinton reminded viewers he was impeached and would have done time if he hadn’t agreed to give up his law license.
George Clooney hosted a dinner for President Obama at his Beverly Hills mansion on Thursday. He said he’s slept with too many hookers and done too many drugs to run for president. He’d be the first U.S. president whose birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
Al-Qaeda’s underwear bomber turned out to be a double agent in the May Day plot to blow up an airline with a non-metal bomb. The TSA says they never would have seen the bomb in the security line. They only watch for metals, anything else is too hard to fence.
President Obama raised ten million dollars at one fundraiser at the home of George Clooney in Los Angeles Thursday. It was money well spent for the studio owners. At the start of the dinner they rose and toasted the president for taking the heat off John Travolta.
President Obama stayed overnight in Beverly Hills Thursday where he was cheered by people for his gay marriage stand. He caught a break. Beverly Hills is a town where the only people who are opposed to gay marriage are gay people who are already married.
President Obama changed his view on gay marriage before flying to Hollywood. He’s said he’s evolving. Every science classroom has a poster showing man’s evolution from ape to man, from man to a man-who-favors gay marriage, to dinner with George Clooney.
President Obama raised fifteen million at George Clooney’s home Thursday. Intrigue filled the air. A prison inmate nearly won the West Virginia primary Tuesday and guests spent all evening whispering to Robert Downey Jr. that he has to run and save the country.
Mitt Romney apologized Friday for wrestling a kid to the ground in prep school forty-seven years ago and cutting his long hair. Talk about one-upmanship. Just as Obama is saluted in Hollywood for backing gay marriage rights, Mitt reveals his past as a hairdresser.
John Boehner accused President Obama of diversions to avoid the economy. They’ve gone from the War on Women to Trayvon to gays. It’s got America so divided that Civil War re-enactors plan to bypass Gettysburg this year to re-enact the Battle over Health Care.
Newsweek ran a cover photo of President Obama under a rainbow halo, calling him America’s First Gay President. It really started something. Next week Time is going to show President Obama innocently giving John Travolta a backrub, unaware of what’s next.
President Obama called Mitt Romney a vampire who sucks the life out of companies at Bain. Someone in Chicago didn’t do their homework. Vampires are so popular with American women that Mitt’s decided to give his next three speeches wearing a black cape.
Senator Rand Paul told a GOP dinner he doesn’t see how President Obama’s actions could be any gayer. That’s unfair and untrue. The president did turn down an offer from three choreographers to have the Health Care Reform Law made into a Broadway musical.
President Obama’s departed speechwriter Jon Lovett sold a sitcom that’s set in the White House to NBC Sunday. He moved to L.A. after writing the Health Care law, the stimulus bill and the Dream Act. His comedy writing career in Washington had gone as far as it could go.
John Edwards’ lawyer began his defense in North Carolina Monday. It’s tough to for him to find any character witnesses. He found a Hollywood agent who would cheat on a dying wife with a groupie and then charm a hundred-year-old lady into giving them money to cover up the pregnancy, but it’s pilot season and he cannot leave Beverly Hills right now.
President Obama was cheered during his speech to Barnard College on Monday. He advised the women what to wear and encouraged their fashion instincts. Newsweek just called him America’s first gay president and it appears that he’s decided to run with it.
George W. Bush urged the U.S. to support pro-democracy groups worldwide Tuesday at a speech in Washington. He’s making a big comeback unwittingly. Newsweek will put George W. Bush on their next cover proclaiming him America’s Last Straight President.
President Obama raised fifteen million dollars at George Clooney’s house Saturday. There were one hundred stars. Twenty stars were already in town and the rest got a one-day pass from the Betty Ford Center as long as they agreed to drink nothing but the Kool-Aid.
Mitt Romney was endorsed by George W. Bush Tuesday as Bush was being followed to a hotel elevator by ABC News. He’s so modest compared to other former presidents. Bush actually took the elevator rather than have the taxpayers helicopter him to his floor.
John Edwards’s defense lawyer rested his case on Wednesday. It’s uncontested that he charmed an old lady out of money to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If John Edwards’s stock were any lower his portrait would be on Greek government bonds.
DEA agents raided medical marijuana stores in Los Angeles Wednesday. The stores are legal by state law. The only way to get the feds to stop is to get Joe Biden to endorse marriage between same-drug couples and President Obama will have evolved by Tuesday.
President Obama welcomed the L.A. Galaxy and David Beckham on Tuesday. Obama teased him about his line of men’s underwear. One week of advertising that you’re America’s first gay president isn’t enough, you have to keep hammering home the message.
President Obama went on The View Tuesday where he implied he’s fighting a bigoted electorate by saying that elections are always tight when your name is Barack Obama. That is half-true. Elections are always tight when four dollars a gallon has your name on it.
President Obama inserted himself in the biographies of past presidents on the White House website. He added sentences to the paragraphs on FDR, Truman and Ronald Reagan describing how he’s completing their work. He even mentions how the drone aircraft flying over the United States are completing the work of Nixon’s White House Plumbers.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama was in town last night for a big fundraiser at George Clooney’s house. They want to have a fundraiser with lots of celebrities so the choice is pretty much George Clooney’s house or Promises rehab center in Malibu.
Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney’s starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.
President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service — a place in America where prostitution is legal.
President Obama released his financial disclosure statement today. It turns out he is now worth over $10 million. So at least somebody is doing well in this economy.
President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan’s $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what’s going to happen? The government’s going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!
According to a new book, Mick Jagger used prostitutes. But he always felt like he was being overcharged. He said he didn’t like to pay them. That doesn’t sound like a rock star, does it? It sounds more like a Secret Service agent.
Florida’s board of education has decided to lower the passing grade on standardized tests after noticing a drastic drop in student passing scores. In other words, if the students don’t do well enough on the tests, they don’t teach them better, they just lower the bar. Why didn’t we think of this before? Imagine how many more doctors we could’ve had right now.
A new poll found that Mitt Romney is actually ahead of President Obama among female voters. That explains Obama’s new slogan, “I’m Barack Obama, and I loved ‘50 Shades of Grey.’”
CNN’s ratings hit a 15-year low this week. In fact, things are so bad at CNN, Wolf Blitzer started renting out “The Situation Room” for birthday parties.
— Jimmy Fallon
President Obama went on “The View.” He went on “The View” because they’re the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around.
Cher sent out a tweet that got some attention. She said if Mitt Romney gets elected, she doesn’t know if she can breathe the same air as him. In the event that Romney does get elected, I want to offer Cher a place to live. It’s the Cher biodome, complete with a year supply of air and Rice-A-Roni where Cher can live, be happy, and have peace.
North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What’s going on?