Today’s Toons 5/14/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

The oil-wealthy city of Dubai is planning to build a luxury hotel where the rooms are underwater. If it were built in the US, that would be its mortgage.

As Italy’s unemployment rate tops 10%, many young people are dropping out of the job market to become shepherds. Occupy Wool Street.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said, “climate change has a dramatic impact on national security.” When you slash the military’s budget to pay for failed solar companies – yeah, it does.

CNBC’s Rick Santelli criticized the mainstream media’s weak reporting on unemployment, calling it “ostrich economics.” Totally inaccurate. Ostriches at least come up for air after a while.

During an interview on NBC, Vice President Joe Biden said that, in 2016, he and Hillary Clinton “may run as a team”. Great. Laurel & Hillary.

George Will on Obama: “If you struck from Barack Obama’s vocabulary the first-person singular pronoun, he would fall silent”. All in favor, say “I”.

During a campaign rally in Ohio, President Obama promised “we will finish what we started.” Hopefully on January 20, 2013.

In Oklahoma City, police arrested an elderly man for allegedly calling 911 operators to talk about sex. Maybe it’s time for Obama to take Bill Clinton off his campaign.

Now available from the Obama 2012 campaign: a coffee mug with Joe Biden’s face on it. Everybody’s covered – something to keep you awake… something to put you to sleep.

How’s this for transparency: the TSA finally responded to a FOIA request filed 4 years ago. Probably took ’em that long to figure out the files weren’t in some grandmother’s wheelchair.

MSNBC host Alex Wagner described Obama as giving a speech to a “full stadium” in Ohio WHILE shots of the many empty seats were displayed on the screen. Surprisingly, it wasn’t followed by a report on America enjoying full employment.

During a speech in Atlanta, Vice President Joe Biden said, “the problem is that I sometimes say all that I mean.” Which usually reveals an even greater problem.

During a speech in New York, President Obama said he’s given Congress a “to-do” list “about the size of a Post-it Note”. That’s nice. Now can he do that with a budget?

On “Hardball”, Chris Matthews cited Ford as an Obama bailout success, even though Ford wasn’t bailed out. Obama throws a gutterball, Matthews credits him for the strike in the next lane.

A new Coast Guard cutter that Michelle Obama had participated in commissioning has sprung several leaks in its hull. That woman swings a mean bottle of champagne.

Obama’s Food Czar, Sam Kass, said that obesity was America’s “greatest national security threat.” Really? Then maybe we should try air-dropping McDonald’s gift cards on Al Qaeda.

A frustrated Speaker Boehner complained recently that “while the President is out campaigning, Rome is burning.” Come on, John. At least give him credit for making it too expensive to pour gas on the fire.

NBC’s Robert Bazell said that obesity is “no longer a question of individual responsibility.” Apparently, neither is accuracy in journalism.

The Energy Department announced it will spend $5 million taxpayer dollars this year “to help expand the use of alternative fuel vehicles, including electric vehicles.” Classic government thinking: gotta spend money to save money.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama flew to Afghanistan to address U.S. troops Tuesday. This wasn’t a stunt. The president had to go to Afghanistan because unless he’s in a country where the women are covered from head to toe, the Secret Service loses interest in him and wanders off.

President Obama admitted to a biographer Thursday that he made up a girlfriend in his autobiography, Dreams of My Father. He was untruthful. It’s nothing that’ll get him impeached but he’s just been suspended for five years from the Oprah Winfrey Book Club.

NBC News showed a photo of Barack Obama’s security team watching the bin Laden raid last year. They look riveted. Hillary Clinton has her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide open in disbelief, the same look she has when Bill comes home before midnight.

President Obama told NBC he only got in nine holes of golf the day of the Osama bin Laden raid. He’s been on TV more times and played more golf than any president in history. He took his oath of office with his left hand on the January issue of Celebrity Golfer.

Hillary Clinton rescued a blind Chinese dissident in Beijing Friday by arranging a U.S. college teaching fellowship for him. Last year her husband came home with two U.S. female hikers who had been held as hostages in North Korea. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

President Obama’s website put up a slide show about a fictional woman named Julia who benefits from Obama’s policies throughout her life. It’s riveting. The slide show also illustrates how Mitt Romney would fire her and tie her to the top of the station wagon.

The Labor Department said Friday eighty-eight million Americans aren’t in the labor force and have dropped out. The job market is just terrible. Parents only suffer from empty nest syndrome for four years before they are afflicted with basement overcrowding.

The Oprah Winfrey Network was reported Monday to have lost three hundred thirty million dollars last year. It’s embarrassing. No one in Hollywood wants to admit why her viewer-base abandoned her, but Barbra Streisand just endorsed Mitt Romney for president.

President Obama will fly to L.A. for fundraisers in Beverly Hills and West Hollywood Thursday. Getting places will be a nightmare. Traffic forecasters say there will be stop-and-go traffic on Sunset Boulevard until the Secret Service agents see something they like.

George Clooney hosts a lavish fundraising dinner for President Obama at his Beverly Hills home tonight. It’s top-drawer. Wolfgang Puck was hired to cook for the guests and Heidi Fleiss came out of retirement to keep the Secret Service entertained in the back yard.

Mitt Romney officially became the GOP nominee for president Tuesday by wrapping up a GOP delegate majority. Few thought it was possible. It shows you can have a Harvard education, a personal fortune and a sober, faithful life and Americans will still vote for you.

— Argus Hamilton

We’re learning more and more about that whole Secret Service scandal. Apparently, the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. The main guy, the guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later? His nickname was Obama.

President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — “Forward.” That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, “Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.”

According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free.

The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone.

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.

President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — “Forward” — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be “Forward my mail.”

President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It’s just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?

Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he’s in favor of gay Secret Service agents

You know who is really against the president’s position on gay marriage? Gay men afraid of commitment. Now they have no excuse.

President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight’s big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?

— Leno

After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like “Dude, scale it back!”

After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, “Uh-oh.”

— Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom “Will & Grace” made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama.

President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president’s exact words were, “I hope I won’t have to change my address.”

President Obama’s re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama’s new campaign slogan: If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican.

Yesterday President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage because his position has evolved. Then today he flew to George Clooney’s house. So things are evolving a lot faster than we expected.

The White House admitted that Vice President Biden’s endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.

— Conan

President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he’s going to turn his birth certificate into a musical.

— Letterman

Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain.

Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he “made up” a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of her book club.

Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married.

President Obama’s in town for a fundraiser. Forty grand a plate — because nothing says “man of the people” like demanding 40 grand for some rubbery chicken.

Insiders say Obama’s pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been “acting” like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

I’m a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that’s not the Hollywood I know.

– Craig Ferguson

I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.

Tomorrow Obama happens to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney’s house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!

— Jimmy Kimmel

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