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This Thread Brought To You By The Number 0:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Democrat Senator Kent Conrad proposed legislation to remove the word “lunatic” from US laws to avoid “stigmatization.” Just another case of Congress looking out for its own self-interest.
It’s not just guns. Turns out the ATF let 120 grenades walk into Mexico, too. On the bright side, the TSA is still keeping your flight water-bottle-free.
Former Vice President Al Gore refuted claims that global warning is a myth, saying that 98% of the worlds’ scientists agree. Coincidentally, the same 98% who survive by angling for government grants.
Three and a half years in, President Obama has held more fundraisers than the previous 5 presidents combined. He needed to, because he’s added more debt than the previous 43.
Fox News sportscaster Tim McCarver said more home runs are being hit because “there have been climatic changes.” Add it to the list. Global warming causes batters to take steroids.
President Obama announced his new campaign slogan is “Forward”. That would be OK if we weren’t standing on the edge of a cliff.
Literal buckets of toxic waste are being discovered just laying around the bankrupt Solyndra facility. And you were worried we wouldn’t get anything in return for all the tax dollars we put into it.
The Department of Justice responded to CBS’s “Fast & Furious” FOIA request by sending them mostly-blank pages. Must’ve asked for a list of everything in the project that Holder did right.
At a fundraiser, President Obama said he wanted to “continue what Bill Clinton was doing when he was President of the United States.” Can’t help but wonder what Mrs. Obama thinks about that.
During a recent interview, Martha Stewart said she thinks President Obama has “tried really hard” in his first term. Fine. Give him a “Participant” ribbon and let him go home.
An new internet ad for Obama 2012 features First Dog Bo asking people to “Join Pet Lovers for Obama.” No word on whether donors receive a free cookbook.
Paleontologists have discovered a 165 million year old flea-like insect that survived by sucking the blood from the animals of the era. House Democrats immediately elected it caucus chairman.
I see Romney made fun of Obama’s “Forward” slogan by making a cliff reference, just like I did. He may be clever enough for this job after all.
During his speech in Afghanistan, President Obama said “our goal is not to build a country in America’s image.” So… he wants them to have a thriving economy?
President Obama has promised to create an additional 110,000 summer jobs for America’s youth. Doing what? Packing Treasury Bonds for shipment to China?
— Fred Thompson
President Obama ran an ad saying Mitt Romney wouldn’t have ordered a hit on Bin Laden. On the contrary he wouldn’t have stopped with bin Laden. Mitt Romney would have taken over Pakistan and fired all the terrorists to make the country more profitable.
President Obama was accused in GOP ads of running for president to fundamentally alter the free enterprise system on Friday. A candidate’s motives aren’t always clear. Today, we know that John Edwards ran for president just to party with the Secret Service.
President Obama headlined the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday. They all feasted. They ate six hundred pounds of roast beef, twelve hundred hearts of lettuce, a half ton of green peas, eight hundred sweet potatoes and the White House dog is missing.
President Obama was modest Monday when a reporter praised him for his courage in the bin Laden raid. The CIA found bin Laden, then trained the SEALs and the chopper pilots. It took great courage for the president to okay the raid or get impeached if he didn’t.
EPA’s Al Armendara resigned after saying he approaches oil companies the way the Romans used to crucify people at random to subjugate them. What goes around comes around. He got home that night and found his apartment had been sacked by the Visigoths.
Mitt Romney was joined by Rudy Giuliani in a visit to a Lower Manhattan fire station Tuesday. They addressed the number-one issue of the election. The firemen confirmed once and for all that the pet Dalmation prefers riding on top of the fire truck to being eaten.
President Obama’s campaign on Tuesday unveiled its slogan, Forward. It was quickly discovered also to be the name of the Hitler Youth’s marching song. Politicians need to learn it isn’t enough to run spell-check on your new slogan, you need to run Hitler-check.
May Day protests by Occupy Wall Street tried to cripple the economy Tuesday. They called a general strike entailing no work, no banking and no shopping. No one would notice the difference unless they called a general strike for cashing unemployment checks.
President Obama spoke on TV from Afghanistan about the bin Laden hit Tuesday. He was not spiking the football. Deion Sanders told him as long as he didn’t throw Osama’s head into the stands after blowing it off he wouldn’t be penalized for excessive celebration.
President Obama was interviewed on NBC News about the Osama bin Laden raid on Tuesday. He’s nothing if not stately. President Obama refused to re-frame the raid to incite partisan passions, saying simply that the killing of Osama bin Laden was for Trayvon.
President Obama spoke to troops and spent the night in Afghanistan Wednesday. His safety was secured. After the president was safely in bed, each Secret Service agent was issued one pack of condoms and eight hundred dollars cash and given orders not to haggle.
The Secret Service issued new rules for agents that assign them chaperones on their road trips. They’re trying to make sure there are no more scandals. During their first trip the chaperone sent three hookers home to change because their skirts were too short.
China demanded a U.S. apology for allowing a protester to take refuge inside the U.S. Embassy. He rebelled against being forced to obey China’s one-child law or be sent to prison. He wants to live in the United States and buy health insurance or be sent to prison.
President Obama admitted to a biographer Thursday that in his book Dreams of My Father he compressed the personalities of six former girlfriends into one. It was kind of dishonest. If you could turn six girlfriends into one, Bill Clinton would still be president.
— Argus Hamilton
We’re learning more and more about that whole Secret Service scandal. Apparently, the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. The main guy, the guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later? His nickname was Obama.
President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan — “Forward.” That’s a good message for Obama. He’s telling voters, “Whatever you do, don’t look back at all those campaign promises I made.”
According to the New York Post, John Edwards has gone from $500 haircuts to $12.95 haircuts at Supercuts. The next haircut he’s going to get in prison will be free.
The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone.
President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan yesterday. It wasn’t as big a surprise as last year’s Navy SEALs trip to Pakistan, but it was big.
President Obama has come up with a new campaign slogan — “Forward” — that’s the slogan. And believe me, if unemployment doesn’t improve by November, it’ll be “Forward my mail.”
Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big “Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?” tour.
President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.
After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like “Dude, scale it back!”
— Jimmy Fallon
Occupy Wall Street is in L.A. as well. They were expecting thousands of protesters, but it didn’t happen. A lot of people stayed home because there was something very frightening going on in L.A. today — a light rain.
Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he “made up” a girlfriend in his autobiography. It’s a good thing Oprah’s off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of her book club.
Anyway, a new biography about the president states that he took “artistic liberties” in his memoir and says that he “fictionalized details for narrative clarity.” That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don’t quit.
It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there’s one thing I know that women love, it’s being blurred together with other women.
– Craig Ferguson
I hosted the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner on Saturday night. The entertainment was me and President Obama. He was very funny, and made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. Some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about that. Personally, I feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. Get what you can out of it.
— Jimmy Kimmel