Today’s Toons 4/30/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

During a speech in Detroit, President Obama said, “we’ve begun to see what change looks like.” Yup. And at this point, we wouldn’t mind a blindfold… and a last cigarette.

The number of Mexican migrants coming into to the United States has dropped so far that net migration from Mexico is now zero. It’s like Obama built a border fence out of pink slips.

During a speech in Florida, Vice President Joe Biden accidentally called the Everglades “the Ever-Gators.” Understandable error. Like calling our friends across the aisle the Demo-tax.

A Democrat source says that President Obama scolded DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz: “don’t forget you work for me.” Funny… voters are getting ready to say the same thing to Obama.

Obama adviser David Axelrod praised the administration’s fiscal savvy, saying “we are saving taxpayers money all the time.” David, having the Secret Service haggle over hookers doesn’t count.

Nancy Pelosi on America’s taxpayers: “I wish they would earn more so they can pay more.” And we wish you’d spend less so they wouldn’t have to.

During an interview on MSNBC, Democrat Senator Barbara Boxer said: “if you’re a self-respecting human being, please vote for President Obama.” And if you’re a self-respecting human being who wants lower gas prices, then don’t.

CNN reports that Obama’s crowd at a North Carolina event was only half the size it was when he went to the same place in 2008. Maybe it’s because they were at work? Oh, wait… maybe it’s because they weren’t.

In North Carolina, President Obama said that when he married Michelle, they “got poor together.” Oh… so basically he’s treating America just like family.

Some American college professors held a symposium in Iran and praised the Occupy movement. Appropriate setting. Iran’s wanted to get rid of Wall Street for years.

During a speech in DC, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar said that “not even Harry Potter” has the power to lower gas prices. Guess he couldn’t get a drilling permit from Obama, either.

In a fundraising letter, James Carville said he was upset because Mitt Romney “stole my line” about “it’s the economy, stupid.” What about a little anger over Obama stealing Jimmy Carter’s economy?

The EPA awarded a $90,000 grant to Vanderbilt University students who designed a solar panel using a protein from spinach in place of silicon wafers. But does it taste good with artichoke dip?

At a news conference, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said “the ongoing weakness of the housing market represents a headwind for recovery.” Obama’s interpretation: “this recovery will just blow you away!”

Greece tightened up on welfare abuse, cutting payments to 200,000 people because they are dead. Couldn’t happen here. Illinois Democrats would be terrified of losing their votes.

Frustrated Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod asks, “why are we spending time on dogs?” Because that’s where the economy has gone, David.

— Fred Thompson

Colombian hooker Dania Suarez admitted she ignited the Secret Service sex scandal Friday. She’s one of twenty hookers who made two hundred dollars an hour at the party. Four years ago President Obama promised better-paying jobs for women, and he delivered..

Julia Louis-Dreyfus drew critical raves for HBO’s new sitcom, Veep, on Sunday. She plays a hapless U.S. vice president who’s sabotaged by a treacherous staff. The producer had to audition everybody in Hollywood to find a vice president that’s funnier than Joe Biden.

President Obama campaigned in Michigan Thursday where he reminded voters that he was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth. That’s not quite the whole story. Barack Obama was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth, it was a Chocolate Labrador.

John Edwards went on trial for covering up his mistress with campaign cash. He was also recently named as a client by a Manhattan hooker. While no one would vote for John Edwards to be president, everybody agrees he has the experience to protect the president.

The Senate vowed to investigate the expanding Secret Service scandal Sunday. So far eleven agents and two supervisors are involved in the Colombian hotel room sex party. It begs the question, now that their secret is out are we just going to call them The Service?

President Obama tried to stop foreign nationals from using the Internet to help the Syrians carry out violent attacks on their own people. It’s a challenge. The president is determined to prevent all the assault weapons which the Justice Department gave the Mexican drug cartels from falling into Syrian hands.

The Secret Service hooker scandal in Colombia had by Monday ended the careers of nine agents and two supervisors. A mass exodus is looming. The rest of the Secret Service agents might also resign since it’s obviously not going to be any fun to work there anymore.

The White House Counsel cleared the White House of any wrongdoing in the Secret Service sex scandal. It’s always another president’s fault. Many of these agents started under Bill Clinton, when protecting the president meant keeping condoms in your holster.

The Soviet Union’s last chairman Mikhail Gorbachev endorsed President Obama for re-election Tuesday in a speech to a Chicago high school. This is a man who understands politics. When you’re in Chicago you don’t endorse a Republican and then go start your car.

The Secret Service ended its probe of the twelve agents in Colombia the night of the hooker party. Three of the twelve agents were cleared. They were able to prove to their bosses they’re innocent of sexual misconduct because they were drunk on duty at the time.

TSA screeners at Los Angeles airport were charged with taking bribes to let couriers smuggle drugs through the X-ray machine. What idiots. They were busted when two pounds of cocaine was hidden in two balloons and the TSA couldn’t resist groping them and they broke open.

The New York Post said Florida shooter George Zimmerman is not only part Hispanic, his great-grandfather in Peru was African. How unlucky is he? George Zimmerman was just an ancestor away from having everything ignored as another case of black-on-black crime.

U.S. Marine Gary Stein was dismissed for making disparaging comments about Barack Obama. If you’re in the armed forces you’re not allowed to criticize the Commander-in-Chief. That is one of the reasons the president favors legislation to draft the whole country.

— Argus Hamilton

It now appears that as many as a dozen members of the Secret Service were involved in that Colombian prostitution scandal. Now six of the agents have been reassigned. The other six are now party planners for the GSA.

— Leno

Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did “Slow Jam the News,” he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, “Dude, don’t you have a country to run?”

Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.

A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, “Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.”

— Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn’t work, Obama’s going to resort to his second proposal, “free pizza in my room.”

Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn’t want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day — which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible to refuse to pay the prostitute.

A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn’t responded to the ad because he’s too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.

— Conan

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