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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
During an interview with an Ohio TV station, President Obama said he hopes this election is “a serious debate about our future.” Yes. Republicans want America to have one.
During a recent speech, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said his people “should enjoy the wealth and splendor of socialism.” Let’s see… famine, poverty… I think they already are.
During his weekly address, President Obama said, “we’ve tried this trickle-down experiment before. It doesn’t work.” And now that it’s over, the American people don’t.
A new study shows that the oil-rich nation of Qatar is the fattest on earth, with half of all its adults being obese. So… keeping us from drilling must be Michelle’s idea.
A new study shows that most Americans who renounce their citizenship do it “for tax reasons.” Ironic, considering that’s why this country was founded in the first place.
On the campaign trail, Vice President Joe Biden mocked Mitt Romney by asking his audience, “how many of y’all have a Swiss bank account?” On the flip side, how many of y’all borrow money from the Chinese?
Mitt Romney ripped into the fawning liberal media, saying “many are inclined to do the President’s bidding.” Heck, some of them are even outbidding him.
A fired General Services Administration official says he didn’t know taxpayers would be billed for a party in his luxury suite at a Las Vegas resort. Actually, what really surprised him was that anyone cared.
A new report shows that the wind industry has lost 10,000 jobs since 2009. I’ll suggest the obvious solution: a LOT more Joe Biden speeches.
During a Rose Garden speech, President Obama said he plans to crack down on investors engaging in “energy market manipulation.” Give ’em a stimulus grant. They’ll go under in no time.
A new report shows that fewer young people than ever are applying for driver’s licenses. Hey, if my first car would’ve been a Volt, I wouldn’t have bothered, either.
Newly busted: in 7 years, a small-town Illinois comptroller managed to embezzle $30 million. Apparently she’s now qualified to run for Illinois Governor.
During a campaign speech in Ohio, President Obama said, “I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.” So to be fair, he wants to take your silverware and spread it around.
Your tax dollars at work: Albany Medical College gave cocaine to rats to see if they’d like jazz music. Guess there wasn’t a liberal arts college nearby.
The Obama administration plans to experiment with unemployment insurance programs by letting people test a job while still receiving benefits. That’s right, they want to pay you for not working even while you’re working.
A US truck driver hauling 268,000 rounds of ammunition to Phoenix was detained by Mexican authorities after he took a wrong turn into Mexico. Bet the first thing they said was “tell Holder we want the rest.”
— Fred Thompson
Newt Gingrich bounced a five hundred dollar check for the fee to get on the Utah GOP primary ballot. He’s five million dollars in debt and he’s bouncing checks. It’s a clever way to blunt the president’s attack that the GOP candidates are a bunch of rich white guys.
President Obama summoned millionaires to the White House Wednesday to call for higher taxes on wealthy Americans. They confessed to reporters that they don’t pay their fair share. Democrats think it’s okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.
Mitt Romney was compared to Mad Men’s lead character Don Draper by the Obama campaign on Friday. What a reckless thing to say. It could wreck the ratings of the TV show if viewers thought that Don Draper no longer smoked, drank or cheated on his wife.
Joe Biden released a photo on Twitter Thursday of President Obama running around a swimming pool armed with a Super Soaker. He was having a ball. President Obama’s Super Soaker has two speeds, one for wealthy Republicans and one for Democratic donors.
President Obama released his tax returns Friday revealing he made seven hundred forty thousand dollars last year. He experienced a million dollar drop in income from the previous year. Most golfers suffered financially last year with Tiger Woods off the tour.
The Secret Service was humiliated into recalling agents from Colombia Friday when one agent drank all night with a hooker in a hotel room, sparking a brawl. The agent’s already heard from one former president. Martin Sheen called and asked him to be his son.
Hillary Clinton partied at a Cuban nightclub in Colombia which has Castro’s flag and picture on the wall. She drank beer, danced the rumba and played the maracas with the Cuban band. Ozzie Guillen had to be chloroformed to keep from declaring his love for her.
John Edwards got his hair cut at a Raleigh SuperCuts on Tuesday. He once got a four hundred dollar haircut in a famous Beverly Hills salon. Normally they charge you two hundred, but if you dress nicely and mispronounce Wilshire they charge you four hundred.
Congress scheduled hearings into the Secret Service agent’s wild party in Cartagena last week. He refused to pay a hooker forty-seven bucks he owed her. The Obama administration picked an odd time to stop spending money and start reducing the deficit.
The U.N. climate chief urged President Obama to attend the Earth Summit this June in Rio. It’s the wildest town in the world. Even though the president hasn’t accepted the invitation and it’s two months away, the Secret Service flew straight to Rio to start making the arrangements.
President Obama’s campaign chided Mitt Romney for driving cross-country with his dog on the car roof. The GOP aired an audiobook tape of Obama discussing how he ate dog in Indonesia. He sat through the credits at the end of Old Yeller waiting for the recipe.
Mitt Romney urged the Secret Service to fire the agents involved in the hooker scandal. It imperils a president. It just takes one crab to jump from a hooker to a Secret Service agent to the president’s jacket to the first lady’s shoulder, and the president’s dead.
President Obama reacted angrily when asked about the Secret Service hotel scandal on Thursday. It presents him with a political problem. When his own bodyguards are refusing to pay their hookers how can he accuse the Republicans of waging war on women?
The Marine Corps announced Thursday that combat infantry officers school will enroll women for the first time. The administration is giddy. It didn’t take long for Democratic consultants to point out on CNN that Ann Romney never worked with a bayonet in her life.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.
Yesterday, North Korea launched a big long-range missile. It was supposed to scare everybody. It exploded less than a minute after launching. In fact, leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog, and then ate it.
In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.
President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He’s creating a new series of ads. The first ad boasts “just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.
Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.
President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.
This year the government will spend a trillion dollars more than it will take in. Experts say 32 percent of our taxes go to defense. And the rest buys hookers for the Secret Service.
– Craig Ferguson
In case you’re wondering where your tax dollars go, 21 percent goes to Medicare and Medicaid, 20 percent to social security, 20 percent to defense spending, and the other 39 percent they squander.
President Obama, in his memoir, talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather. He said when he was 8 years old, his stepfather introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our president ate dog. Not only that, according to the book, he also ate snake. And his mother was looking for tiger. He was eating through Noah’s Ark.
— Jimmy Kimmel