Today’s Toons 4/16/12

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A pizza heiress in Michigan said she plans to throw a million-dollar fundraiser for President Obama, featuring pizza on silver platters. A million for a pizza, and these donors will still do better than taxpayers did on Solyndra.

Analysis of the global temperature database shows that there has been no global warming in the past 15 years. Which may explain why global warming alarmists keep acting like surly 15-year-olds.

Less than 7 months until the election, and the Obama campaign STILL hasn’t picked a slogan. How about, “don’t change horses in the middle of a desert”?

Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games after he told Time Magazine “I love Fidel Castro.” Well, a lot of people say it. Usually at gunpoint, though.

During a speech in Florida, President Obama said that all this government spending was “not some socialist dream.” True. When a dream is over, you relax in the knowledge that it didn’t really happen.

During a Florida speech, President Obama said that more government spending was “a better way to make our economy stronger.” Sure. Like using bricks from your walls to make your roof stronger.

On Twitter, Vice President Joe Biden said the “Buffet Rule” tax hike on job creators is “not class warfare, its math.” You know, take 50% of what you make and give it to 100% of Obama supporters. It’s just math.

An Australian university study shows that physically strong men are more likely to hold right-wing political views. Heck, I hadn’t wanted to brag, but I guess the facts are the facts.

Even after someone almost claimed his ballot without an ID, Eric Holder still insists that, “in-person voter fraud is extremely rare.” Of course, he thinks the same thing about in-person illegal immigration.

During a speech in Florida, President Obama said of Republican economic policies, “it is not like we did not try it.” Sure, you tried it. Then you convicted it of a crime it didn’t commit.

It’s now coming out that officials at the General Services Administration invented a fake “Jackass Award” as an excuse to hold taxpayer-funded dinner events.Oh, I don’t think it’s fake anymore.

A new video from shows rich Hollywood actors promoting the Occupy movement’s “99% Spring” event. Great optics. Like having Porky Pig sell you a bacon sandwich.

— Fred Thompson

The Justice Department handed in its homework on time to the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals Thursday. The administration had to write a three-page paper admitting that the Supreme Court can overturn laws passed by Congress. That was the only statement in the paper, but it ran three pages because they were required to write it three hundred times.

President Obama withdrew his statement that the Supreme Court lacks authority to toss out ObamaCare. It’s a strategic retreat. Last night Obama was overheard on a hot mike telling Russia’s ambassador that the Constitution isn’t in effect during a second term.

France’s Tourism Ministry was caught trying to lure British tourists to France using ad photos of a beach in South Africa. They’ll always draw tourists. The Louvre shows more breasts than any museum in the world except for the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

Homeland Security announced a relaxed immigration policy Friday allowing illegal aliens to stay in the U.S. without being deported. An administration spokesman said you can’t simply move twelve million people to another country. That’s not true, Mexico did it.

Hillary Clinton said Monday she won’t be attending the Democratic Convention this September. She’s obeying the first rule every Methodist Episcopal girl is taught by her mother. If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.

President Obama and his family attended St. John’s Episcopal Church in Washington on Easter. As is custom, during the Prayers of the People the congregation prayed for President Obama and the Supreme Court. It’s church policy not to take sides in a civil war.

President Obama welcomed thousands of kids to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll to celebrate the holiday Monday. The president spent the afternoon playing golf and bicycle riding. He’s going to blame everything on George W. Bush including his hobbies.

Justice Scalia told a Mississippi crowd Sunday the Supreme Court doesn’t respond to a president’s criticism. He said they use the rope-a-dope trick. The New York Times split over whether to slam him for calling the president a dope, or for calling for a rope in Mississippi.

The White House downplayed President Obama’s challenge to the Supreme Court’s authority to overturn ObamaCare. There’s a chance that the president’s signature achievement could be completely taken off the books. It is his only chance for re-election.

President Obama gave a speech in Miami Tuesday and called for higher taxes on the rich. He already set up an IRS task force that’ll audit thousands of millionaires. Barack Obama is only one land reform away from being Ozzie Guillen’s second-favorite president.

— Argus Hamilton

Keith Olbermann is suing his former employer, Current TV, for $70 million. That comes out to $10 million per viewer.

Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn’t have, maybe he really is qualified to be president.

The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama’s administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don’t have to listen to disco.

The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life.

Let me tell you something — if you’re the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?

And now, even vice president Joe Biden is furious. He said, “Making stupid comments that hurt the president, that’s my job. She has no right.”

— Leno

Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trail. His most recent update: “They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.”

Harvard Law School will soon offer a class called “Understanding Obama” — while Barnum & Bailey Clown College will offer a class called “Understanding Biden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

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