Today’s Toons 3/12/12

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A new study on sleep disorders determined that Mississippi is America’s sleepiest state. I’m not sure this is accurate. The day they did the survey, Biden was giving a speech in Jackson.

DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz said that under Obama there’s been more oil drilling “than we’ve had in eight years.” Yup, just not in America.

Eight workers at a business in Bolingbrook, Illinois, have been charged with theft after shaking a vending machine until they got free snacks out of it. Pretty sure this qualifies them to get poll-worker jobs with the Obama campaign.

Politico is reporting that the Obama campaign is refusing to share any cash with the Democrat House & Senate campaign funds. Seems fair. It’s not like Obama’s some wealthy guy running a plumbing business.

A new study published in the journal “Pediatrics” suggests that babies who snore are more likely to grow into troubled children. Guess that solves the mystery of the Occupy movement.

Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein said that President Obama sent him a spy novel and said he should make a movie out of it. Let me guess – it stars Obama and it’s called “License to Spend”?

A new report from the Heritage Foundation shows that wind energy companies get about 1000 times the subsidies that oil companies do, per kilowatt-hour of energy produced. Yes, in any horse-race, count on the government to back the one with 3 legs.

During a speech in North Carolina, President Obama dismissed oil as “the fuel of the past.” So… would that be the same “past” where the unemployment rate was 5%?

— Fred Thompson

Rush Limbaugh apologized to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke Saturday for ripping her after she insisted that the law school pay for her contraception. Rush didn’t have all the facts. At one point she agreed to a threesome because she needed a credit in double-billing to graduate.

Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke told a panel of Democrats that she can’t afford all the contraception she needs for all the sex she has. She’s demanding that Obama Care pay for her sex expenses. She is still angry that Clinton Care didn’t pay for the dry cleaning.

President Obama claimed on ESPN Friday that he knew that New York Knick Jeremy Lin was a future star months before his NBA breakout. He’s quite the seer. He even predicted Solyndra would go bankrupt six months before he decided to give them money.

President Obama compared himself to Gandhi and Nelson Mandela in the struggle to bring about change Thursday. The comparison is flawed. They spent years in jail before taking political power, while politicians from Chicago do it the other way around.

Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan urged black people to stop eating at McDonald’s. He thinks the French fries are designed to kill them. He could urge them to order the apple slices instead, but he’s an honorable comedian who’d never do Michelle Obama’s act.

The NBA marked the fiftieth anniversary of Wilt Chamberlain’s scoring one hundred points in a game. He wrote in his autobiography that he bedded ten thousand women. He scored a hundred points, and he scored with ten thousand women, and he did it all without federally funded contraception.

President Obama gave a speech to the American Israel Political Action Committee in Washington Sunday urging patience with sanctions on Iran. He doesn’t want Israel to worry about Iran getting a nuclear weapon. That’s his job and he is not worried about it.

General Motors halted all Chevy Volt production Friday and laid off twelve hundred workers. The government demanded an explanation. Chevy said it was necessary to close the plant and lay off the autoworkers in order to meet consumer demand for the car.

Rush Limbaugh was hit by sponsor boycott calls by Democrats on Sunday. He doesn’t list his sponsors on his website. Democrats have to listen to the show for three hours to learn the identity of the show’s sponsors, but the Democrats are afraid if they allow any of their people to listen to Rush for three hours they will lose another one to the dark side.

President Obama met with Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House Tuesday. They had a huge fight as they completed paperwork. President Obama has Iran in his Final Four brackets but Israel says they don’t get out of the Sweet Sixteen alive.

Rush Limbaugh lost Legal Zoom as a show sponsor Tuesday in his contraception flap with Democrats. It’s owned by L.A. attorney Robert Shapiro. You know it’s not your day when the lawyer who got O.J. Simpson acquitted thinks you’ve been too disrespectful of women.

President Obama consoled Sandra Fluke Sunday about Rush Limbaugh’s rant on her for demanding taxpayer-paid condoms. It’s a controversial subject. Half of America wants to be protected by Barack Obama while the other half want to be protected from Barack Obama.

President Obama asked Israel to be patient with Iran during an Oval Office meeting on Monday. On Tuesday, the president assured Israel’s prime minister that he’ll always have the Israelis’ back. They suspect he means back to Poland, back to Russia, and back to Germany.

President Obama spoke at a Mercedes-Benz factory in North Carolina on Wednesday, where a woman fainted as she stood onstage. The president calmly called for a doctor, saying people faint all the time at his events. Unfortunately for the woman, all the doctors got out of the business when the first batch of ObamaCare regulations came out.

— Argus Hamilton

It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and politician? A cat doesn’t pretend to care about you.

In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He’s created a lot of jobs in India.

In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn’t want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.

— Leno

As of tomorrow, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum all get Secret Service protection. Meanwhile, Ron Paul will get a can of mace.

— Letterman

Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole.

– Craig Ferguson

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