Today’s Toons 3/5/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new UN report says that Iran has seen a 50% increase in its stockpile of highly enriched uranium. Good ol’ UN – when your house is burning down, they tell you what temperature the fire is.

In Florida, a man was arrested after he dropped his gun during an attempted robbery and returned to the scene to try buying it back from the victims. Now THERE’S an “Obama 2012” metaphor.

In Wisconsin, a newly-adopted cat saved its owner’s life. Cats will now be mandatory under Obamacare, unless a panel says you’re too old to have one.

Now coming to the forefront in Obama 2012’s search for a new campaign slogan: “Greater Together.” I assume he’s talking about taxes and spending.

A new poll by The Hill shows that 75% of likely voters believe the nation’s top earners already pay their fair share. Apparently the other 25% want more share and less fair.

At the Governor’s dinner, President Obama used the wrong name when mentioning the head of the Democratic Governor’s Association. Well, can’t expect him to memorize every name on the Endangered Species List.

The CEO of Light Squared has resigned after it was revealed that he donated to the DNC on the same day he had a meeting with Obama’s Technology Czar. Maybe the problem isn’t the guy who pays the toll, so much as the fact that there’s a tollbooth.

President Obama called Mitt Romney’s criticism of the auto industry bailouts “a load of you-know-what.” A load of “shovel-ready?”

A city councilman in Detroit proposed a law to force gas station owners to hire security guards. Sure. They can hire all those guys who used to work on oil platforms in the Gulf.

A GAO report released yesterday said that the federal government wastes billions of dollars annually on “duplicative activities.” The GAO then issued another report today saying exactly the same thing.

The chair of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee thinks Democrats will retake the House, claiming to have a “breeze at our backs.” Yeah, the eye of a hurricane fools a lot of people.

After Japan lowers their corporate income tax rate from 39.5% to 35% next month, the US will have the highest corporate income tax rate in the world. See? Obama told us he’d make America a world-leader again.

The University of North Carolina-Greensboro has ordered a Christian club to allow non-Christians as leaders. While we’re at it, let’s put high school dropouts in charge of the University.

— Fred Thompson

Syrian dictator Bashar Assad was urged to hold elections by the State Department on Friday. No one’s ever heard of elections in that country. If Bashar Assad has an election that lasts longer than four hours, he calls a doctor like it instructs him on the label.

Rick Santorum was shown on tape telling Catholic school girls that Satan is targeting the United States. The denial came immediately. Satan issued a statement the next day saying he does not get involved in U.S. presidential elections because he will only go so low.

Hillary Clinton was reported Sunday plotting a coup to overthrow President Bashar Assad of Syria. She hopes to get it right this time. The last time Hillary Clinton overthrew a president, the lamp missed high and outside and smashed into a portrait of Washington.

President Obama’s approval rating dropped five points in the Gallup Poll on Monday as high gas prices tore up the U.S. economy again. It’s affecting everyone. The price of gasoline is getting so high that the Chevron station in Beverly Hills is selling it by the gram.

President Obama re-formed African-Americans for Obama Monday. He needs them again. African-Americans for Obama is the group that helped him get the nomination four years ago when they outraised Cheated-On Wives for Hillary by a four-to-one margin.

President Obama and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer avoided each other at the White House governors meeting. She’s furious about illegal aliens. They’re trampling and littering ranches in Arizona on their way back to Mexico to get away from the U.S. economy.

President Obama told Univision Tuesday that his presidency isn’t over yet and he still has five years to go. It’s true. He has a lawyer from ACORN who tells him that they can’t get him out of the house for five years as long as he declares bankruptcy every six months.

Fox News reported Tuesday the planned Canadian oil pipeline is getting a new route through Oklahoma and Texas. The decision to begin construction was a calculated gamble. President Obama refused to approve the oil pipeline but the oil industry figures he won’t be re-elected, and if he is re-elected he probably can’t stop the secession movement.

Bill Clinton spoke to an energy convention Tuesday and he backed the Keystone oil pipeline. He said it’s easy to go around the aquifers and sand hills. It just shows that if you pay a Democrat a ninety thousand dollar speaking fee, we can be energy independent.

Newt Gingrich enjoyed an upsurge in the polls Wednesday as Southerners rallied to his candidacy for next week’s Super Tuesday primary. His campaign was written off for dead twice. A win Tuesday and he breaks Israel’s record for most number of resurrections.

The NFL moved its season opener from Thursday to Wednesday to avoid conflicting with President Obama’s convention speech in Charlotte. He wants the airwaves all to himself and his face on every channel. He just warned the Home Shopping network that during the hour-long speech he expects them to sell TV sets that are tuned in to his speech.

Maria Shriver reconciled with Arnold Schwarzenegger in L.A. Thursday. He slept with the maid in Maria’s bed and had a son that went unnoticed for twelve years. Maria did not mind the adultery but it ruins her reputation at NBC News as an investigative reporter.

Energy Secretary Steven Chu testified to Congress Tuesday that high gas prices have the positive effect of weaning Americans off oil. He couldn’t be more wrong. On the day gas hits five dollars a gallon Americans will vote for the candidate who promises to drill in Yellowstone.

— Argus Hamilton

President Obama talked about rising gas prices today. He focused on the positive things his administration has done when it comes to energy prices. So, in other words, it was the shortest speech he’s ever given.

President Obama is starting to get a little overconfident. In an interview with Univision radio, he said, “My presidency isn’t over yet, and I’ve still got five more years.” Even his predictions are over budget.

Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I’m sorry — strategic oil reserves.

While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, “Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.”

— Leno

During Vice President Biden’s speech in North Carolina today, a man onstage kept falling asleep. The worst part: It was actually Joe Biden.

This week an Occupy Wall Street protester gave birth in the back of a taxi. The baby loves breast milk — as long as it’s not the 1 percent.

— Jimmy Fallon

As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.

— Conan


The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile the Park Service, part of the same Department of Agriculture, tells us “do not feed the animals” because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

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