Today’s Toons 2/20/12

Click below for main team members:

This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

President Obama is considering cutting America’s nuclear missile stockpile by 80 percent. Even worse, on the rest of them, he’s replacing the rocket engines with Chevy Volt motors.

A new report from a professor at the University of Illinois shows that Chicago is the most corrupt city in the USA. Oh come on. You KNOW they cheated to win that spot.

A new report shows gas prices are up 83% since Obama took office. Well, just like he said about unemployment, it probably would’ve been 12 or 13 or 15 percent without him.

Iran announced that it now has a new centrifuges able to enrich uranium much faster. The UN responded by buying a much faster copier for it’s resolution-printing department.

Researchers at the University of Tennessee have discovered that electric cars actually create more pollution than gas-powered ones. And that doesn’t even count them getting chucked into a landfill after losing a head-on collision with a squirrel.

A new Gallup polls show that 85% of small businesses aren’t hiring because of the burden of excessive government regulation. The other 15% were too busy filling out government forms to answer the question.

Harry Reid took a cheap shot at Marco Rubio, saying he “supposedly represents Hispanics”. No, he represents his constituents. You should try it some time, Harry.

Al Gore now claims to have created a new blueprint for “sustainable capitalism”. Let me guess – it’s just like regular capitalism, except with more taxes and regulations?

A Georgia man has filed to create a Political Action Committee for the Occupy Movement. Good idea. It’s so hard to win elections these days without tent cities & drum circles.

— Fred Thompson

The CPAC convention in Washington sold children’s patriotic storybooks in the lobby. The authors were pleased with the sales of the books. They’ll never get school districts to buy them unless they take out the first two pages telling kids which station carries Rush Limbaugh in their town.

President Obama reversed himself on forcing churches to give women contraceptive coverage Friday. He also reversed his opposition to campaign PACs and started one for himself. Back when he lived in Hawaii flip-flops were shoes, now they are career extenders.

Jack Kennedy was named as a lover by his intern Mimi Alford in a book last week. He was also seeing Marilyn Monroe, Anne Meyer, Phyllis McGwire and Judy Exner. Jack Kennedy died of chlamydia in Dallas but the FBI covered it up to make it look like a shooting.

Mitt Romney spoke to CPAC Friday and declared himself severely conservative. The adverb severely is most often used with the words ill and limited and retarded. If he was any prouder to be a conservative he would have described himself as one of the good Germans.

Oliver Stone’s twenty-five-year-old filmmaker son Sean converted to Islam while he was in Iran Tuesday. He changed his name to Ali in a Shiite conversion rite. You know how every generation wants to do better than their parents at attacking the United States.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was robbed at home by a machete-waving thief who made off with a thousand dollars. Democrats worry. The timing couldn’t be worse for the fate of ObamaCare if it’s true that a conservative is a liberal who’s just been robbed.

President Obama’s campaign office dispatched hundreds of so-called truth teams to all fifty states Tuesday to kneecap any criticism of the president. They really don’t like it. They’re going to go house-to-house turning off the radios whenever Rush Limbaugh is on.

Tony Bennett stunned his audience while saluting Whitney Houston at the Grammys after-party Sunday by calling for the legalization of all drugs. No one could believe it. He could be run out of show business for campaigning for Ron Paul at an entertainment event.

Hillary Clinton lobbied the White House Thursday to head the World Bank. The bank sells AAA bonds to rich nations, loans the money to poor nations, profits from the interest, then writes off Third World loans in return for U.N. support. You’d have to study under Bernie Madoff to get better training for this job than she received in Chicago and Arkansas.

Joseph Kennedy III filed for Congress Tuesday for the seat left by Barney Frank. He’s RFK’s grandson and Teddy’s nephew. Young Joe is a Middlesex County prosecutor, and only someone from Middlesex can bridge the gap between the Kennedys and Barney Frank.

— Argus Hamilton

Things are not looking good for Romney. His popularity has really dropped. Right now he’s running behind Syrian President Assad.

Have you noticed Romney doesn’t even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck.

You know a really sad thing about Valentine’s Day? Some people can’t have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.

— Leno

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too.

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren’t suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of “The View.”

President Obama urged men to “go big” for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China’s money can buy.

— Jimmy Fallon

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.

President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at “The Price Is Right.” Barack Obama, come on down!

— Conan

The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I’m going to wait and see who Metallica likes.

— Letterman

comments powered by Disqus