This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
On Hardball, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews said, “I speak for the media generally – left, right and center.” Chris? 2/3 of the media has a question for you…
Even Bill Maher is sick of the Occupy movement, telling them, “get a job.” Yes, something productive, like “abrasive liberal comedian.”
A car previously owned by President Obama failed to meet its eBay asking price of $1 million. Maybe if it’d come with a full tank of gas…
During an interview, President Obama complained that the Founders created a system that makes it “difficult to bring about change.” Not true. It only takes one day to vote out a bad President.
A top Chinese official has warned of a “trust deficit” between Beijing and Washington. Oh yes. You can always trust Obama when it comes to deficits.
Clarifying his appearance in a controversial Chrysler Super Bowl halftime ad, Clint Eastwood stated, “I am certainly not affiliated with Mr. Obama.” I believe it. Obama’s never made anyone’s day.
Global-warming scientists are reportedly “stunned” to discover that the Himalayan mountains have lost no ice in the last 10 years. Not as stunned as we are that they’ve had jobs for the last 10 years.
PETA is suing SeaWorld, claiming they’re “enslaving” the killer whales who work in their shows. So? At least they’re not forcing them to buy health insurance.
Washington Post political writer Melinda Henneberger wrote, “maybe the Founders were wrong to guarantee free exercise of religion in the First Amendment.” No, but they balanced it off by giving journalists the right to sound ignorant.
A new report shows that the government spent $1.6 billion on free cell phones for the poor. The only catch is that the ringtone is Obama’s State of the Union address.
A computer hacker successfully broke into a database on the UN website. A UN spokesman said the organization refuses to condemn the attacker, unless it turns out he’s from Israel.
After several hours, Los Angeles police were finally able to lure a naked man down from a radio tower with McDonald’s hamburgers. Try doing THAT with tofu & carrots sticks, Mrs. Obama.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission finally approved plans to build the first new nuclear power plant in more than 30 years. Who knows? Another 30 years and we may get an oil pipeline.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama told a prayer breakfast that Jesus advised him to push higher taxes on the wealthy and ObamaCare. They consult on everything. When the waitress brought his breakfast, he sent it back complaining that Jesus wanted tomatoes instead of potatoes.
President Obama’s former Chrysler was put up for auction on eBay Thursday by the Illinois woman who now owns the car. You can tell that the car once belonged to the president. It starts off fast and then it stalls and starts calling for rich people to help push it.
Mitt Romney began receiving Secret Service protection as his presidential campaign advanced Thursday. His team coached the agents thoroughly. They have instructions to throw themselves on the TV whenever it shows an old clip of Romney criticizing Reagan.
The White House said the U.S. workforce shrank by two million last month. However they say we gained two hundred thousand jobs. Democrats say they want better math education but they don’t fund it because someone might grow up and see through these numbers.
Israel’s defense minister warned Friday it may be necessary for Israel to attack Iran if Iran doesn’t halt its nuclear weapons program. It set off a debate in Washington D.C. Obama asked why can’t we all get along and Republicans want to let the free market work.
Nancy Pelosi stood by President Obama’s decision to require Catholic hospitals to provide condoms. She reminded reporters she’s a San Francisco Catholic. That means the confession booths have bathrooms and refrigerators because people are in there so long.
President Obama was rumored Tuesday to be reconsidering his war with Catholic Church officials. They say he tried to force birth control on them. Obama began wavering when he saw a new ad by Clint Eastwood saying that it’s halftime at the Gallup Poll headquarters.
The Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada endorsed Ron Paul for president last week over Mitt Romney. To try to keep both sides happy the hookers are offering their customers the Mitt Romney Special. For an extra fifteen dollars, they will change positions.
Rick Santorum warned GOP conservatives in Minnesota not to trust Mitt Romney’s conservatism. It’s hard to predict. There’s a chance Mitt Romney will eventually stumble once he is confronted by his toughest ideological adversary, himself from four years ago.
The U.S. Appeals Court overturned California’s voter-passed ban on gay marriage. It’s good for florists, jewelers, caterers, DJs, hotels, resorts, photographers and lawyers. It was like any other decision in California, never mind the morality, the car payment’s due.
Jack Kennedy’s former intern Mimi Alford was interviewed on NBC News about their affair Monday. He took her virginity in the White House. Today it would be called workplace harassment but back then it was called physical therapy for the president’s back.
President Obama flip-flopped Sunday and agreed to allow his backers to form a Super PAC. As president, he could offer exemptions from regulations to companies that donate. It prompted the Building and Safety Department in Chicago to give him their Distinguished Alumni Award.
Homeland Security rolled out a new airport security pre-check program Wednesday for frequent flyers. You can breeze through airport security as long as the TSA has all your personal details. If you submit an Internet video sex tape, that’s good enough for them.
President Obama reversed himself Tuesday to allow his supporters to form a Super PAC. These PACs have no limits on personal or corporate donations. The president is prepared to spend a billion dollars to stop big money’s corrupting effect on Washington.
President Obama announced a twenty-five billion dollar fine on banks Thursday. He said banks duped people into home loans they can’t afford. The chairman of JP Morgan Chase put on fishnet stockings and lipstick and lured the poor into remodeling their kitchen.
Senator Marco Rubio blasted ObamaCare for forcing Catholic institutions to provide free birth control. He said Obama should have listened to Joe Biden’s warning against the mandate. You’re not officially off the rails until Joe Biden is the wise counselor in the room.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.
Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can’t buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.
Because of large crowds at his campaign events, Mitt Romney will now receive protection from the Secret Service. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul will now receive protection from a mall cop on a Segway.
— Jimmy Fallon
The Obama administration has been slammed for a health insurance rule that forces Catholic organizations to provide contraception. Even more controversial, the church would also have to provide dim lighting, wine coolers, and an R. Kelly mix tape.
To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of a car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog.