This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie criticized President Obama’s lack of sincerity, saying he “doesn’t do angry well.” Taught the rest of the country a thing or two about it, though.
During an interview on CNN, Nancy Pelosi said that “it’s really important” for Obama to run against Congress in 2012. Well, it did work pretty good for Republicans in 2010.
ABC’s Jake Tapper admitted that in 2008, the media was “tilting a little bit” for Obama. A little? They made the Tower of Pisa look like a plumbline.
A new book on the Obamas claims they threw a secret “Alice in Wonderland” themed party at the White House in 2009. Guess Obama got his economic policies from the wrong tea party.
President Obama is setting up a “1-800” hotline people can call to ensure they’re getting a “fair deal” on a mortgage. Yes, for sound financial advice, your first stop should be someone who can’t pay their bills.
Fidel Castro said a “robot” would make a better President than Obama – or any of the Republicans candidates in the 2012 race. When asked to comment, Al Gore replied “flattered, but not interested.”
Cambridge University scientists say that a new Ice Age is due to start within 1,500 years, but could be delayed by human carbon emissions. Unless the government designed the emissions program, of course.
The Obama administration cited an earthquake in 2001 as a reason to halt deportation of 215,000 El Salvadoran illegal immigrants. Why? Is he afraid these guys caused it?
The DHS announced it will monitor social media to collect personal information from journalists. Must need addresses to send out post-interview “thanks for the softballs” cards.
Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies, is preparing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. No word on if they’ve put Michael Moore on suicide watch, yet.
DC health officials said the rat population has “exploded” around two Occupy Movement camps in the city. It’s true. Everywhere you look, filthy little critters running amok in the streets. And the rats are a problem, too.
Half the size of a dime, scientists have discovered the world’s smallest frogs in Papua New Guinea. They used to be the size of a dollar, but then they got a stimulus grant.
At a news conference, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that Iran’s threats to close the Strait of Hormuz were “provocative and dangerous.” Hillary, the correct 3 words are “no, you won’t.”
Forbes Magazine is describing the economy as “the worst economic recovery since the Great Depression.” Well, I’m sure President Obama is just happy being compared to FDR.
At a New York film screening, an Iranian filmmaker said that Michael Moore was “the most famous director in Iran.” Not surprising. Michael’s really big in a lot of places.
— Fred Thompson
Joseph P. Kennedy III made plans to run for retiring Barney Frank’s House seat. The Democrats see the polls saying America’s on the wrong track. They think voters will be ready to replace the first gay congressman with a man from the First Family of Womanizing.
The Iron Lady starring Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher opened Friday. The movie details the dementia that struck her late in life as it did Churchill and Reagan. Hollywood can’t honor a great woman without implying that conservatism rots your brain.
U.S. Senator Marco Rubio wrote a letter to the president Friday saying that the U.S. was on track to become a deadbeat nation. His concern is the sixteen trillion dollar U.S. debt. Whenever the Oval Office phone rings, Obama lets the machine pick it up in case it’s China.
The White House proposed new hardship rules making it easier for illegal aliens to stay in the U.S. on Friday. How much easier does it have to be? All they have to do to get here is to walk across the border and all they have to do to stay here is register to vote.
The New York Post reports NBC News will not renew Chelsea Clinton’s contract as a feature news reporter. It was inevitable. NBC is tired of somebody from her mother’s office constantly jumping in front of the TV cameras and saying Chelsea doesn’t talk to the media.
President Obama hosted a secret Alice in Wonderland Halloween costume party two years ago where everyone dressed up as Lewis Carroll characters. The Obamas love to dress up in costumes. At the last Democratic convention, they came as Ozzie and Harriet.
William Daley resigned as White House chief of staff Monday. He said he wanted to go back to the city he loves. The unemployment crisis is so bad in this country that he can’t get a job anywhere except Chicago, and there only because people knew his father.
Fidel Castro wrote in his newspaper column Sunday that ninety percent of American would vote for a robot over President Obama. It’s clear what he wants. Fidel Castro is calling for Al Gore to mount a primary challenge to President Obama before it’s too late.
President Obama reportedly agreed to give his acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention in Charlotte at Bank of America Stadium. It’s sure put the convention over budget. When you’re sixteen trillion dollars overdrawn Bank of America’s fees really add up.
Michelle Obama went on CBS news to refute tales told about her in the new book, The Obamas. She’s angry that the book depicts her as angry. She said she doesn’t interfere with West Wing meetings, hardly any European resorts offer in-room teleconferencing.
Fox News will host a GOP debate in South Carolina Monday. The GOP field is getting worried. Last month Mitt Romney took over Michele Bachmann, fired half of her, sent a fourth of her back to Congress and kept the remaining fourth of her as his break-up fee.
Michelle Obama went on CBS News Tuesday and punched her fist in the air while she denied that she’s an angry black woman. She’s not angry. The strain of getting Charles Barkley to give up junk food and go on Weight Watchers has permanently creased her face
President Obama saw The Iron Lady with Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher at the White House Saturday. He doesn’t mind British history if it’s portrayed correctly. He would’ve let Winston Churchill’s bust stay in the Oval office if he’d been played by Ed Asner.
Mitt Romney told CBS News that what he did while running Bain Capital was no different than what President Obama did by bailing out the auto industry. That’s remarkable. No Republican ever admitted to using taxpayer dollars to screw bondholders and save unions
— Argus Hamilton
According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she’s the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can’t testify against her husband.
Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.
According to the tabloids, John Edwards is going to marry his mistress, Rielle Hunter. Which means, of course, now he has to find a new mistress, and the whole thing starts again.
The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don’t wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.
While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was “ready to rock and roll” Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to “easy listen.”
A new tell-all book about Mitt Romney is coming out next week called “The Real Romney.” You can tell the book is based on Romney. After 300 pages, the last line is, “Actually I just changed my mind about all of that.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Mitt Romney told a crowd that he is half Mexican. Which means that half of him will not be voting for Mitt Romney.
Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he’s a regular Justin Bieber.
Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there’s a pretty good message to send to Middle America.
Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.
Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney’s win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.
Ron Paul said he’s “nibbling at Mitt Romney’s heels.” At 76 years old, I hope somebody’s cutting Romney’s heels into bite-sized pieces for him.
– Craig Ferguson
The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.
— Jimmy Kimmel
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, “Obama is a horse’s ass.”
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, “She is a horse’s ass too!”
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, “I take it this is Obama country?”
“Nope.” replies the bartender. “Horse country.”
I was traveling between Valdosta and Tifton the other day,… I was near Atlanta, GA when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist to get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift ?”
“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.
“You a Democrat or Republican ?” asked the old man.
“Republican,” I replied. “Well you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican. The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
“Democrat!”, I shouted.
“Hop in!”, replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.” She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
“What’s the matter?”, she asked.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody.”
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: “You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here for $100”.
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: “Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $100?”
One diplomat replied: “More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead.
We simply can’t take that risk.
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a “Save the Whales” hat, and a “To Hell with Bush” T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear’s chest… The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other carefully placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he told them. “I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies “Who was that guy?” “It was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.” “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn’t know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?”
The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
“I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form.”
“You can do it”, the lawyer said, “But why? You’ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?”
“That’s my business! Get me the form!”
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. (How like a lawyer…)
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, “Please, before it’s too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?”
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: “One less Democrat”.