This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A library in Massachusetts actually sent the police to collect overdue books from a 5-year-old girl. That’s just ridiculous. It’s not like she was some desperate criminal running a lemonade stand.
Across the US, 40,000 new federal, state and local laws went into effect on January 1st. Next year, expect 40,000 more laws trying to fix their unintended consequences.
A new study shows that over 1.5 million people bought guns in December – a new record. Imagine how high it would be if you included Department of Justice sales.
The White House says that Vice President Joe Biden will now be put in charge of handling China policy. Apparently they trust him enough to say “wanna buy some bonds?” without gaffing.
In Gallup’s poll on “most admired living man,” President Obama got beat by “None/No opinion.” That would explain his latest 2012 slogan “Obama: None Better.”
The Washington Post is suggesting that Hillary Clinton & Joe Biden are planning to swap jobs after the 2012 elections. Probably. With a couple of as-yet un-named Republicans.
General Motors’ much-hyped Chevy Volt has won the not-so-coveted “Worst Product Flop of 2011” award. The worst part about being a Volt owner is all the smug looks from people who bought Edsels.
During the morning press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was asked if the administration was behaving like a “monarchy.” What a ridiculous question. If it were a monarchy, Michelle would at least let us eat cake.
The number of new prescription drug shortages in 2011 hit a record high, up 25% over last year. On the bright side, thanks to Obamacare, those drugs you can’t get won’t cost you a dime.
Ahead of the New Hampshire primary, one Portsmouth restaurant has banned politicians from the premises. I guess their “no shoes, no service” policy extends to flip-flops.
A Colorado woman dropped her pants at a museum and rubbed her rear end all over a modern art painting valued at $30 million, doing $10,000 damage. Although, being modern art, I’m surprised it didn’t ADD value.
When Obama told students in Ohio, “you inspire me,” they reacted with laughter. But he wasn’t kidding. They remind him of how much more of their future money he can spend today.
GM plans to “call back” 8,000 Chevy Volts to fix a problem with the battery that might cause a fire. The hard part will be getting 8,000 people to publicly admit that they bought a Volt.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama flew back to Washington D.C. Monday after enjoying two weeks off in Hawaii. He faces a difficult re-election battle. We live in a time where forty percent of your income goes to the government and the other sixty percent goes to your gas station.
John Edwards asked a federal judge in North Carolina for a delay in his criminal trial for money laundering last week. He’s developed a medical condition. He caught osteoporosis from some of his donors when he went to the nursing home to pick up the checks.
Ron Paul finished third in the Iowa caucuses Tuesday. He’s drawn criticism for his isolationist foreign policy and for wanting to legalize marijuana, prostitution and cocaine. Ron Paul doesn’t just want to withdraw our troops overseas, he wants to surrender our three wars at home.
Ron Paul was cheered by his college-age supporters Tuesday after he finished third in Iowa. He’s vowed to legalize prostitution, marijuana, and cocaine. Two months into a Ron Paul presidency America’s top coffee-table magazine would be Charlie Sheen Living.
Mitt Romney’s real first name is unknown to Americans according to a CBS news poll Tuesday. Six percent responded by saying Mittens and six percent responded correctly by saying Willard. The remaining eighty-eight percent responded by saying no comprende.
President Obama defied Congress and named four recess appointments without any confirmation hearings Tuesday. This is war. The good news is, the military-industrial complex can forget about Iran and get rich selling weapons to Congress and the president.
President Obama drew cheers from a gym full of Cleveland Democrats Wednesday in Ohio. He really missed the campaign trail the last four years. He thought he’d enjoy worship services every Sunday but then he realized that everyone is facing away from him
Mitt Romney won in Iowa Tuesday even though seventy-five percent of Republicans oppose him. The opposition to Mitt Romney within the GOP is hardening. According to the label, if the condition lasts longer than four months they have to consult a physician.
President Obama’s web speech to Iowa Democrats Monday was marred by video and audio glitches. In addition there were no cheers, no clapping and no chants for him. After the speech he fired the video engineer and the audio engineer and the warm-up comedian.
The CIA is investigating if the White House leaked film of the Osama bin Laden kill to Steven Spielberg for a movie. It would be released just before Election Day. The movie won’t help Obama win reelection because in this country, it’s always, who have you killed lately?
The GOP scheduled two presidential debates in New Hampshire Friday and Saturday of this weekend. The debates air at the same time as the NFL playoff games. To draw viewers, the GOP agreed to have the Lingerie Football League play a game during the break.
GM recalled eight thousand Chevy Volts whose batteries catch fire on impact. The U.S. government is on the hook. The development of the car was taxpayer-subsidized, the purchase of the car is taxpayer-subsidized, and the fire department is taxpayer-subsidized.
— Argus Hamilton
2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn’t end, we are so screwed.
Rick Santorum’s campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here’s the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain.
Mitt Romney says President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian’s wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding
President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of “Yo Gabba Gabba.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull
They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.
Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates.
There’s already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore.
How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney.
I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.
The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il’s son. That’s an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.
– Craig Ferguson
According to new poll done by “60 minutes,” 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney’s real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That’s true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he’s got my vote.
— Jimmy Kimmel
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replied the guy.
“Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,” said the agent.
“But I can prove I’m an American!” he exclaimed. “I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaimed the agent. “Have a safe trip back to Chicago.”
”Thanks!” he said. “But how did you know I was from Chicago?”
The agent replied, “I recognized Obama in the middle.”