This Thread Brought To You By The Letter “W”:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
During his interview on 60 Minutes, President Obama said, “we’ve been spending the last three years cleaning” Bush’s mess up. Mr. President, you missed that spot between the borders and the oceans.
Citing budget cuts, the Obama administration will reduce the number of National Guard troops protecting the US-Mexico border. The remaining troops will be tasked with holding up “Welcome to America” signs.
Harry Reid said, “job creators are like unicorns, they’re impossible to find and don’t exist.” More like tigers – on the verge of being hunted to extinction.
Virginia is considering legislation that would provide a state tax credit of up to $8,000 to those who agree to have their cremated remains loaded onto a rocket and blasted into space. Hey, here’s a better idea: a tax break for people who stay alive and work for a living.
Two professional hurricane predictors are quitting the business, saying accurate prediction simply isn’t possible. Maybe they should try using the same brand of crystal ball as the global warming crowd.
President Obama said he’d veto a House Republican bill that includes both an extension of the payroll tax cut and an oil pipeline project. Yes, shame on the Republicans for threatening innocent people with jobs and money.
During his 60 Minutes interview, President Obama said that “Republicans around the country” like his ideas. Mostly that one he had about being a “good one-term president.”
China announced that it will begin taxing US-made car imports. President Obama was reportedly very angry, saying, “raising taxes on stuff is MY job!”
According to the Firearms Dealers Association, gun sales are up 32% this year. If there’s a drop in crime next year, do you think the media will report it?
In a new HBO series, Jane Fonda will play a cable news CEO who manipulates news stories for her personal gain, no matter who gets hurt. Not very creative. She already did something like that back in ’72.
A Columbian man was busted trying to smuggle 16 people into the US posing as a cheerleading squad. I heard he got his start smuggling news reporters into Obama rallies.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama hosted a Hanukkah party in the White House Thursday and lit every candle in the Menorah instead of one a night. Everyone just sighed. He plans to celebrate Christmas by shoving presents up the chimney and leaving them on the roof for Santa Claus.
President Obama put off his Hawaii vacation Friday until he and Congress can agree on how to extend payroll tax cuts. The president said he’ll join his wife and kids later in Hawaii. Barack Obama has a plan to save the planet by reverse-carpooling with jumbo jets.
Iran revealed plans to sell to China the Pentagon’s drone spy aircraft that crashed in Iran while spying on their nuclear reactors. We know how this ends. By next year we’ll be able to buy the same spy plane from China for just one-fourth of what Boeing charges us.
Mexico said Friday its security services foiled a plot by Moammar Kadaffi’s son to enter Mexico illegally. You can’t blame the guy for trying. He sought to live the Mexican dream of sending his kids to Texas to support him and having the money wired into his account.
New Jersey former Senator John Corzine apologized to Congress Thursday for losing six hundred million dollars of investor money at MF Global. The firm had only dealt in commodities and then Corzine took them into securities. He explained he spent so much time in Congress and in the governor’s chair that he bankrupted the business out of habit.
President Obama vowed to delay his vacation until Congress agrees to raise taxes on the rich to extend payroll tax cuts. Democrats insist they don’t mind success as long as it’s shared. They want Tim Tebow to give away two games a year in the name of equality.
Lowe’s home improvement store ended its sponsorship of All-American Muslim on TLC Monday after groups complained it was pro-Muslim propaganda. Their ad agency thought it was a perfect fit. Lowe’s sells building materials and Muslims create a demand for them.
President Obama asked Iran Monday to give back the U.S. drone aircraft that crashed in the eastern mountains of Iran last week while the CIA was spying on Iran’s nuclear facility. Tehran said no. They’ve already wrapped it up and they plan to re-gift it to China.
President Obama held a press conference with Iraq’s prime minister Nouri al-Malaki at the White House Monday after they’d met inside the Oval office. They discussed the handover of power next year. When Newt Gingrich is elected, the troops are going back in.
Mitt Romney challenged Rick Perry to a ten thousand dollar bet in Saturday’s debate in Iowa over a point. The media speculated that Iowans could never imagine a bet that high. In fact, Iowans bet their subsidized corn crop–which can be made into food, sugar or gasoline–against the weather every year and they leave ten grand in the tip jar for the congressmen.
The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona’s right to apprehend illegal aliens. It’s in flux. The White House defended illegal aliens until yesterday when the president of Mexico volunteered to do President Obama’s job for five dollars an hour under the table.
President Obama told CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday he sees himself as the captain of a ship that’s going through a violent storm. The captain has a solution. He wants the people in first class to give their tickets to the people in third class so that we can all die second class.
John Corzine told Congress he doesn’t know what happened to investors’ lost billions when he ran MF Global. He was a Goldman Sachs CEO, a governor and senator. He’s so concerned about going to jail he just called a restaurant to ask what wine goes with slop.
Geneva nuclear physicists reported research on sub-atomic particles Tuesday which could explain the origin of the universe. The atomic substance is called the God particle. Its existence explains mysteries like why atoms have weight and how Denver keeps winning.
Ron Paul will make an appearance on NBC’s Tonight Show tonight. The congressman hates government spending but he favors legalizing marijuana. He’ll never have a government building named after him but he’s invited to the groundbreaking of every tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego.
President Obama asked Iran Monday to return the U.S. spy plane drone that crashed in Iran last weekend. Americans were confused. When news first broke that Iran was in possession of the American drone, we just assumed they had taken Al Gore hostage.
The USDA perfected meat safety inspection technology Thursday. U.S. inspectors can now track cows everywhere they go in North America, everywhere they graze and every stall in which they sleep. Republicans just proposed giving every illegal alien a cow.
Senate Democrats prepared to give up on their demand for a surtax on millionaires Friday. They’re tired of hearing from voters about the terrible economy and they want to go home for Christmas. They can’t wait to get to the shopping malls so they can be alone.
— Argus Hamilton
Schools here in Los Angeles aren’t allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he’s wearing gang colors.
President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles.
A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, “See? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.”
In Hawaii this weekend, someone stole Lindsay Lohan’s purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it, you know. Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney.
Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, “Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?”
Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn’t win, that’s going to be one heck of an election night party.
According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won’t have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.
If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that’s our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.
A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That’s awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It’s like voting for Obama.
— Craig Ferguson