This Thread Brought To You By The Letters W & P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
On C-SPAN, Democrat Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey was spotted working on a crossword puzzle during session. That’s very insulting. Why can’t she play solitaire on her laptop like a normal politician?
In his weekly address, President Obama told Congress to “step on the gas”. How embarrassing. I’m sure he meant to say “apply foot-based pressure to the electric vehicle accelerator pedal.”
NASA scientists have found an Earth-like planet orbiting in the habitable zone of a distant sun-like star. Great. Now we just need to sweet-talk Russia into building a rocket to go there.
Nancy Pelosi threatened to talk about stuff she learned about Newt in closed House proceedings. In other words she’ll violate House rules in order to show that Newt violated House rules.
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews said that President Obama’s “smile is worth a million bucks.” Good. Now we’ve got .0001% of this year’s budget deficit covered.
China’s President Hu declared that China’s Navy will make “extended preparations for military combat.” Good. Now we can finally see where all the interest we pay on our Treasury Bonds is going.
Due to hard economic times, Detroit is ending its long-standing practice of providing free police escorts for funerals. Chicago’s ending them too. Except on election days.
During a speech on the economy, President Obama cited “the internet” as a reason for high unemployment. Well, it DID help him raise funds to get elected in 2008.
Less than 12 hours after opening, the Obama administration’s “virtual embassy” in Iran was blocked by Tehran’s digital gatekeepers. At least they didn’t take virtual hostages and humiliate our virtual President Carter.
President Obama’s speech in Kansas was so full of errors that the Washington Post gave it “3 Pinocchios.” Obama insisted those should be counted as three more jobs he created or saved.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton criticized the parliamentary vote in Russia, saying “Russian voters deserve a full investigation of electoral fraud and manipulation.” Funny how Eric Holder’s never said anything like that.
McDonald’s reports that sales are up 7% from a year ago. Michael Moore attended Occupy rallies in a LOT of different cities this year. Probably just a coincidence.
President Obama said that more jobs would be created by extending the payroll tax cut and unemployment benefits than we’d get from the Keystone oil pipeline. Ok, so then why doesn’t he want to have both?
Attorney General Eric Holder said he found out about Fast & Furious “a few weeks” before his Congressional testimony, even though it was actually a few months. Well, you know what they say, “time flies when you’re running guns.”
— Fred Thompson
President Obama released numbers Friday claiming U.S. unemployment dropped one half of a percent. However the statistics didn’t count three hundred thousand job seekers who gave up. The numbers are so massaged that Al Gore took off his towel in front of them.
Michelle Obama showed a four-hundred-pound gingerbread house among the East Room Christmas decorations Friday. The realism is amazing. It shows two realtors and a banker negotiating the short sale in the front yard as the family is being dragged off by the sheriff.
The FBI reported a record for gun background checks on Black Friday, when a hundred thirty thousand guns were bought. One-fourth were sold to first-time buyers. It seems like every week a new Mexican cartel pops up and the Justice Department rushes out to register them.
General Motors offered to buy back Chevy Volts from car owners who are worried about the engine catching fire. The electric car already wasn’t selling, and now it’s catching on fire. After twenty years of challenges, oil remains the undefeated heavyweight champion of the world and has just been offered a contract to endorse countertop grills.
Newt Gingrich posted a big lead over Mitt Romney in the Iowa polls Monday with Ron Paul in second place with the caucus three weeks away. No one knows what’s going to happen until the first vote is cast. According to the BCS computer, Hillary still has a chance.
The NAACP announced plans to fight new voting laws in Southern states designed to keep illegal aliens from voting next year. It’s a mystery why the NAACP is sticking up for illegal aliens. Los Angeles schools are segregated just to keep them from killing each other.
President Obama was in Kansas Tuesday to commemorate Teddy Roosevelt’s speech there a century ago. It called for corporations and rich people to give up their wealth for the common good. Today Republicans refer to this speech as the first successful test of LSD.
Congress heard testimony Monday that no fence can seal the Mexican border. They can always build a higher ladder. The only thing that works is a bad economy, allowing Barack Obama to boast he has the best record in forty years of halting illegal immigration.
Queen Elizabeth agreed to a pay freeze and a fifteen percent reduction in palace staff in Parliament’s new budget. She’ll rent out rooms in St. James Palace during the Olympics. To further economize, Her Majesty will be driven around in a Chevy Volt pulled by four horses.
The American Heritage Dictionary changed its definition of anchor baby Monday to term it as offensive after pressure by Hispanic groups. Things have really changed. For the first time in two hundred years you have to press two to read the dictionary in English.
President Obama told a Kansas crowd that America’s principles of free markets and rugged individualism have never worked. He cast himself as the savior of the middle class. He won’t be satisfied until Tim Tebow gives credit to him after every completed pass.
Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich got fourteen years Wednesday for corruption. This points out the difference between the West and the Midwest. California prisons are overcrowded due to cocaine arrests and Illinois jails are overcrowded due to governors.
The White House asked the Senate to re-think its unanimous vote to slap sanctions on Iran Wednesday, causing senators to rip the administration for coddling the Islamic Republic. This is just the tip of the iceberg. In six months we’ll find out that the Justice Department has sold nuclear weapons to Iran in a secret effort to track down the kingpins.
Iran aired video of the U.S. spy plane that went down in the eastern mountains of Iran Thursday. The CIA is believed to use these drones to spy on Iran’s nuclear facilities. The plane is insisting it was just hiking in the mountains and strayed accidentally into Iran.
Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. government for noting how his United Russia Party stuffed ballot boxes and cheated to win on Tuesday. He misunderstood. When the U.S. president and the Secretary of State are both from Chicago there’s a real chance it was a compliment.
— Argus Hamilton
High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi.
President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting.
President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That’s a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor.
According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners.
Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ’s paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.
— Jimmy Fallon
Rod Blagojevich was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama.
Alec Baldwin was kicked off an American Airlines flight yesterday. The good news is, it freed up three seats for standby passengers.
— Craig Ferguson
Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich’s Answering Machine
10. Hey, it’s Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn’t get that for murder
9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing
8. Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or Jacuzzi?
7. Congratulations, I hear you’re going to Vail. Wait, never mind
6. Hey, it’s your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?
5. Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich
4. Hey, it’s Dave. Tonight’s Top Ten List is about you. Nice work
3. It’s 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?
2. This is President Obama. I’m granting you a full pardon. Nah, I’m just screwing with you
1. It’s the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat
President 0bama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me”?
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID”?
0bama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States.”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
0bama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them.”
0bama: “I am urging you please to cash this check.”
Cashier: “Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”
0bama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: “Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can’t think of a single thing I can do.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”