Today’s Toons 12/5/11

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

In Florida, 3 people are facing prison time for conning people into buying toilet paper that “met new federal regulations.” So… twice as expensive and half as effective?

A New York hospital has installed video cameras to make doctors and nurses wash their hands. You’ve GOT to be kidding. I thought Obama had a Czar for that?

One of the items offered for sale at Obama’s campaign website: a “Barack’s Best Friend” dog leash. Surprisingly, no “Barack’s Promises” plastic bags for the dog’s other end.

Barney Frank decided against running for reelection. Seems he wound up in a district designed to defeat him next year. It’s got people in it.

After breaking into a house in Sacramento, a burglar made himself right to home – showering, eating, and watching movies. Huh. Just like one of those Occupy protesters. Except for the showering part.

A Michigan “Santa Claus school” is telling its students not to promise kids stuff their parents can’t afford. Think we could enroll Obama there?

Survival shops report a jump in sales to people who are getting prepared for the “possible collapse” of society. And you thought Obama’s stimulus spending had no effect.

In a New York cheating scandal, 20 students are accused of hiring people to take their SATs for them. President Obama is reportedly “very concerned”, since the test-takers were non-union.

In Utah, a man out duck-hunting was accidentally shot by his dog. Anyone else wondering if the dog got the gun from Eric Holder?

During a Pennsylvania campaign event, President Obama proclaimed, “I’ve cut your taxes.” Lovely. It’s like a burglar bragging that he locked your front door on his way out.

NPR described Obamacare’s high disapproval rating as a “blip”. Funny, when most people I know describe Obamacare, it’s usually “bleep”.

During a speech in Pennsylvania, President Obama said, “I’m going to need another term to finish the job”. Why? In one term he already finished 2 million of them.

President Obama said that his children will be successful “even if the country as a whole is not.” Of course they will. They won’t have to try getting a job while their dad is President.

A former Colorado lawman, once honored as the nation’s Sheriff of the Year, was arrested and is now in a jail that was named for him. Sadly ironic. Like Obama leaving office and having to live under Obamacare.

— Fred Thompson

A TSA airport security agent was arrested in Virginia Monday for sexually assaulting a woman on the street at a shopping mall. He approached her and flashed his badge at her and started groping her. Don’t you hate it when a guy can’t leave his work at the office?

The White House Christmas tree arrived from Wisconsin on a horse-drawn wagon Friday morning. To save electricity costs, this year the maintenance staff plans to illuminate the tree with dimmer bulbs. They are screwing members of Congress into the light sockets.

President Obama tweeted a sale offer to all his followers Friday, offering them a ten percent discount on all Vote for Obama 2012 campaign merchandise. That’s how out of touch he is. If you want to sell something on Black Friday you discount it eighty percent or don’t bother sending out the e-mail.

The GOP candidates held a debate on foreign policy on CNN Tuesday, which was the fourteenth Republican debate with twelve more to go. No wonder Donald Trump wants to re-enter the race. Twelve episodes is a longer guarantee that he has for The Apprentice.

The White House urged Egypt’s army to transfer control of Egypt to a democratically elected government Friday as rioting in Cairo continued. It’s the United States policy to keep nuclear weapons controlled by responsible generals. That’s why President Obama’s football has just been a football.

Congressman Barney Frank retired after thirty-one years in office in Washington D.C. Monday. He was at the forefront of the effort to help poor people buy houses. After what Barney Frank did with Freddie Mac he may never be allowed to coach college sports again.

Iranian protesters broke into the British embassy in Teheran on Tuesday, seized six hostages, burned the British flag and seized a portrait of the Queen. They later released their hostages in the park. They left them in the capable hands of Occupy Teheran.

The Federal Reserve bailed out the Eurozone Monday by printing one trillion dollars to exchange for Euros. The planet’s in an uproar. We have cows doing ads asking us to eat more chicken and soon we will have trees doing ads asking us to audit the Federal Reserve.

Democratic Senator Bob Casey of Pennsylvania decided not to be seen at a Scranton political event with President Obama Wednesday because the president’s so unpopular in Pennsylvania. It gets worse. He’s so unpopular in Los Angeles that he has to pay Screen Actors Guild minimum just to get people to stand on the tarmac and be in pictures with him.

McDonald’s outsmarted San Francisco’s ban on selling fast food with children’s toys Thursday by selling Happy Meals without toys and then charging parents ten cents for the toy. Hooray for capitalism. If liberals had written the Declaration of Independence it would have guaranteed every American the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of broccoli.

Joseph P. Kennedy III was reported considering a run for the seat vacated by Barney Frank Thursday. He’s a thirty-year-old prosecutor in Cambridge. Nobody ever thought that when Barney Frank’s seat came up for grabs it would be a Kennedy that reached for it.

Iranian mobs stormed the British Embassy in Teheran Monday and took five hostages, sparking an international stand-off. Right now unemployment is high, prices are high, morale is low, and Iran just took hostages. If Barack Obama were any more like Jimmy Carter he’d have a farm with peanuts on it instead of an economic plan with peanuts in it.

— Argus Hamilton

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.

— Leno

Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia “The Phantom Tollbooth,” while Malia bought Barack “Economics for Dummies.”

That’s right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China’s credit card statement.

I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, (CLEAR THROAT) ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.’

Speaking of Obama, the president will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.”

— Jimmy Fallon

This is a crazy story in Greenwich, Connecticut, three wealthy investors who were already worth millions won the $254 million power ball jackpot. Yeah in a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn’t that nice? And if front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread “foreclosed” sign.

— Conan

Occupy L.A. encampment is over and with it, the world’s longest hacky sack game comes to an end. Meanwhile, in New York tonight, the annual lighting of the Christmas tree. A dozen protesters are living in the tree right now.

After two months, the LAPD broke up the Occupy protest outside city hall here in Los Angeles last night. Surprisingly, the police didn’t find any drugs on the premises which means that the police are not very good at finding drugs.

— Jimmy Kimmel

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