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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
In his weekly address to the nation, President Obama said “we don’t begrudge anyone wealth.” Of course not. Unless they decide they want to keep it.
White House adviser David Axelrod described President Obama’s jobs plan as “chipping away at this problem.” Yeah, with $447 billion worth of foam-rubber chisels.
A new global warming study shows that temperatures haven’t gone up in 11 years. Great. Now they’ll tell us we need to fight “global temperature stagnation.”
Bloomberg columnist Jonathan Alter described President Obama’s administration as “free of scandal.” Huh. You don’t see many journalists who haven’t watched TV or read a newspaper in 3 years.
Four members of the White House staff say they have lost weight thanks to the First Lady. And millions of Americans have lost their jobs thanks to her husband.
MSNBC’s Richard Wolffe complained that Republicans “can’t give the president anything.” Why would they? He hasn’t even paid for what he’s already gotten.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama lowered student loan interest rates Tuesday and ordered student loans be forgiven after twenty years. He said forgiving a debt is the most honorable thing that someone can do. That’s a joke he used in China last year to break up the bond traders.
President Obama angered Congress by bypassing lawmakers to lower student loan interest rates. Student loan debt quintupled in the last ten years. It now costs two hundred thousand dollars over four years to teach a kid that everything is America’s fault.
Herman Cain set Democratic media tongues to wagging Thursday with a YouTube ad by his campaign chief Mark Block. He’s smoking a cigarette during the ad which seemed like dirty pool. President Obama saw the ad and offered to cut taxes for just one last smoke.
Herman Cain admitted Monday he was accused of sexual harassment by two women while he was a lobbyist in Washington fifteen years ago. That’s how well he’s doing in the polls. He has not even been elected yet and already the impeachment effort has started.
Occupy Wall Street protestors complained that homeless people have infiltrated the park for the free food. They’re just furious about it. Everybody’s sitting around wish that there was a way to help the downtrodden without a lot of losers trying to get in on it.
Greece triggered a world stock market dive Tuesday by scheduling a vote on the EU bailout plan that cuts Greek benefits. They want a lot of benefits paid for by borrowed money, then they want all the debts forgiven. It’s the Occupy the Mediterranean Movement.
Herman Cain denied sex harassment charges at the National Press Club Monday. The charges won’t hurt him at all. The last time America had a sexual harasser as president, we had low unemployment, a balanced budget, and health care reform was in the trash can.
President Obama took his physical Monday and the White House doctor pronounced him finally to be tobacco free. We know it’s true because told the doctor he’s quit and the doctor wrote it down, and now it’s on the Teleprompter. That’s three sources right there.
Ronald Reagan was honored with a statue at Reagan Airport Tuesday marking the centennial of his birth. The statue celebrates Reagan’s victory of liberty over a totalitarian police state. The TSA wants a tarp thrown over it to keep people from getting the wrong idea.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis referred to Tea Party members as teabaggers in a speech Sunday. That’s a vulgar street term involving oral sex. Democrats have come a long way since they argued on the floor of the Senate that oral sex is not a disqualifier for public office.
President Obama passed his physical with flying colors Tuesday. The doctor said the president is slim, he’s physically active, he eats healthy foods and he limits himself to a beer or two a week. It’s the best evidence yet that President Obama isn’t a real American.
Hillary Clinton disclosed that Russia tried to plant a spy close to her inside her State Department office. Nice try, Russians. You don’t stay married to Bill Clinton for thirty-five years without developing an instinct for knowing when somebody’s hiding under the desk.
New York’s Occupy Wall Street had an outbreak of STD among protesters in the park Monday. It won’t affect their cause. They oppose big banks, the big brokerages and the big drug companies, but they voted to make an exception for the one that makes penicillin.
Occupy Wall Street protesters shut down Oakland’s port with the mayor’s approval Wednesday and smashed bank windows downtown. It’s a real problem for the local police. Under the U.S. Constitution you can’t stop Raiders fans from expressing themselves.
The DEA seized a two-billion-dollar shipment of pot and cocaine Monday while it was being shipped into California by a Mexican cartel. What a political mistake. Californians were upset enough at the president because they had no jobs, and now they have no drugs.
President Obama spoke at the annual Group of Twenty summit in France Friday. He said he wants to help the Europeans solve their economic crisis. He wants Europe to borrow money from China and pay American construction workers to beautify their roads.
— Argus Hamilton
When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee.
President Obama had his annual checkup and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down, his blood pressure is down, and his approval ratings are down.
Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That’s the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen.
President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party. They sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers.
The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico.
President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It’s 70 over 14 trillion.
Congratulations to Joe Biden, whose daughter just got engaged to an ear, nose, and throat doctor. She met the doctor through her father. They met in the doctor’s office while he was trying to get the vice president’s foot out of his mouth.
The Israeli cabinet is discussing a preemptive attack on Iran. Do you realize if that happened, it could knock Kim Kardashian right off the front page?
President Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, “Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!”
Two lawmakers in New York have proposed a bill that would make it a felony to sell fake maple syrup and label it as the real thing. Or as one confused Occupy Wall Street protester put it, “We did it! What? This isn’t about syrup?”
The U.S. is sending a surveillance blimp to Afghanistan. We just have to hope the Taliban doesn’t have that new anti-surveillance technology: Eyes.
President Obama gave candy to trick-or-treaters at the White House. Obama wanted people to like his costume, so he went as himself from 2008.
President Obama just went to the G20 summit to give Europe advice on its debt crisis. Wait, Europe’s getting economic advice from Obama? That’s like J.Lo getting marriage advice from Kim Kardashian.
President Obama bumped Chinese President Hu Jintao from the #1 spot on Forbes’ list of the world’s most powerful people. It was awkward—Obama wanted to buy a copy of the magazine, but he had to borrow five bucks from Hu Jintao.
— Jimmy Fallon
President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I’m really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country.
The Statue of Liberty just turned 125. When France first gave her to us, Mayor Bloomberg was only in his second term.
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we’re falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids’ costumes.
— Jimmy Kimmel
It’s a great day for president Obama. “Forbes” magazine put out a list of the most powerful people in the world. And our president is number one. I guess nobody told congress.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office… You mean the one on the sofa?
— Craig Ferguson
A doctor from Japan says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls….we made him President of the United States, and now……. the whole country is looking for work.”